(NOTE: This is really more of a “rant” than a “post”, but, frankly, this is all I’ve got today and technically it qualifies as “writing” [according to me] so, ummm, here goes.)
Here’s the thing.
I’ve read a lot of books on grief and grieving.
Some of them are helpful, others are not.
They all mention “denial” and “coming to terms with the reality of death”-type stuff, but they don’t seem to really capture just how fucked up it is to wrap your head around the fact that someone who was HERE is now NOT HERE and, moreover, will never be HERE again.
We all think we know what “death” means. I mean, everyone knows this basic fact of life, right? And then it happens and you’re all “what?”.
Or, if you’re like me, it’s more like this:
“WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?”
and
“No no no no no nononononooooooooooooo”
and
“Wait, did that seriously just happen?”
and
“No. No, it didn’t.”
and
“OH FUCK, IT DID REALLY HAPPEN?”
and
“Why are these people just going about their daily lives like nothing has happened? Don’t they KNOW? WTF? Why are the banks even open?”
and
“Now what?”
and
“I’m just supposed to keep living?”
and
“IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE!?”
and
“FUCK.”
and
“OMG I can’t wait to tell [insert dead person’s name] about this bullshit.”
and
“Oh.”
and
“Oh. My. God. That picture just fell off the wall…. is [insert dead person’s name] trying to tell me something?! What? WHAT? I DON’T SPEAK DEAD PEOPLE LANGUAGE, DAMMIT!”
and
“Ok, I’m a little creeped out that [insert dead person’s name] is probably here, right now. Does he/she watch me on the toilet?”
and
“Maybe [insert dead person’s name] is not, in fact, dead. Maybe he/she is just hiding….”
and
“Fuck.”
and
“Oh look, it’s Dead Person X’s favorite movie….(happy/sad moment) and there’s Dead Person Y’s car and here’s Dead Person Z’s favorite restaurant/song/shoes/tree/flower/beverage and on and on and on and on”
and
“THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE. MAKE IT STOP!”
and
“Fuck me.”
and
“What does death even mean?”
and
“I’m scared to die.”
and
“How could [insert dead person’s name] leave now? We weren’t done yet. There’s so much more. And what about [insert every single thing you thought you were going to have time to share with the person who is now, evidently, dead]”
and
“I STRENUOUSLY OBJECT TO THIS BULLSHIT, GOD!”
and
“If one more person tells me that [insert dead person’s name] is in a “better place” now I will, in fact, become violent. WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT [insert dead person’s name]? OF COURSE HE/SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE, I’M CRYING FOR ME, ASSHOLES…. WHAT ABOUT ME? I’M SURE AS FUCK NOT IN A “BETTER PLACE” NOW.”
and
“I am officially the most selfish person in the entire world, and possibly the entire Universe.”
and
“If I had been a better person, this might not be happening.”
and
“Fuck.”
and
“I’m going to be a much better person now….”
and
“OMG, [insert dead person’s name] would shit if he/she saw how dirty my car is right now!”
and
“What if I forget what [insert dead person’s name] looks like? What if I forget the sound of his/her voice? His/her laugh. The way he/she walked? What then?”
and
“Oh fuck. I almost went a whole day without remembering that [insert dead person’s name] is gone.”
and
“I’m pretty sure this is just a bad dream.”
and
“WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?”
***********
And it goes on like this for quite some time.
Around and around — I believe it happened and then I don’t believe it happened and then I actually forget about it for a while and then something reminds me and the grief is fresh again and it’s as if I’ve never felt it before.
I know that it ends at some point.
My Dad died in his sleep 15 years ago and I’ve recently realized that I’m no longer surprised when I remember that he’s gone. It still hurts. I miss him all the time. But I am finally resigned to the fact that he is gone.
Not so with my sweet grandmothers and my artistic genius Mom (with great hair) — all of whom died in the last three years.
I find that I’m not at all convinced that they are truly gone.
And yes, I know that people you love are never truly gone because they live on in your heart and blah blah blah blah…..
But really, they are gone.
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?
xoxoxo
kim
p.s. YES, as a matter of fact, I am still taking my antidepressants 🙂
p.p.s. have I mentioned that I’m struggling with writing? aarrrrgggghhhhhhh!