Monthly Archives: March 2011

calling all angels.

 

The Truth for Me

I’m not at all sure that I believe in Angels.  Or in magical force fields.  Or in healing white light.  But I believe in something bigger than me.  Bigger than us.  Extremely big.  And benevolent.

Which is good.  Because I really, really need some help right now.

Are you there? 

Me:  My heart is breaking.  Are you there?

Angels:  Of course we are here, beloved.  Talk to us.

Me:  Mom’s ovarian cancer is not only sucky, it is sneaky and it moves.  Now it is in her brain. And this fancy-schmancy “NEUROSURGEON” with shitty bedside manners is planning to, ummm, cut it out, like, tomorrow.   

I’m scared.  And sad.

Angels:  We know.  We see you try to be so brave, and make it ok and less awful for everyone, but we can also see that you are really scared. And really sad.  It’s good that you are able to acknowledge how scared and how sad you are.  Tell us more.

Me:  I am scared for her.  I don’t want her to be scared.  I don’t want her to be in pain.  I also don’t want her to give up.  And I’m scared for Austin.  He loves her so much, she is his bubba.  She is everything I couldn’t be for him when he was little — his “of course we can have the best-ice-cream-in-the-whole-wide-world for breakfast, lunch AND dinner!friend, his “I am your special-someone-who-never-says-no!” person and his “let’s-have-a-movie-marathon-day right  after we pick up interesting rocks!” buddy.  And that was just the early years…  He is too young to feel this kind of fear and pain and sad. 

Angels:  That is a lot of scared.  And a lot of sad.  Is that all?

Me:  No.  There is more.  I’m sad for other people too.  Plus me. 

Angels:  You, of course.  Can you talk about it?

Me:  Yes.  I’m scared that I feel so out of control.  I’m sad that I can’t fix things.  I’m afraid that I’m a disappointment.  I’m afraid I’m not brave enough for all this.  I’m afraid that this is the beginning of the things-will-only-get-worse-from-here times.  I want to be peaceful and spiritual and, centered and, instead, I’m scared and sad and angry and all over the place. Then, on top of (or underneath) the “I’M NOT READY FOR THIS”-ness is also the small, but insistent “it is just a matter of time until this cancer nightmare  happens to me and then what?” voice of abject terror.  And I think I totally suck for even having time to form that selfish thought.

Angels:  It must be hard to be so terribly sad and scared, and then even more hard to have to defend yourself against all of that nastyness and judgment.  Do you know that it is only you who has created that stuff?

Me:  It sounds like something I would do.

Angels:  Oh, honey, you totally made that shit up.  Only you can let it go.  Then you will be free to sit with your scared and your sad and be loving to all of it.  Can you let it go?

Me:  I will think about it.  Maybe I will try it.  In the meantime, can you please watch out for her highest good?  

Angels:  Of course.  She is loved.  The Universe conspires on her behalf!

Belief?

Me:  Ummm, you do know, don’t you, that I’m not really sure that I even believe in you…

Angels:  Yes.  We also know that you think that might be a dealbreaker for us.

Me:  The thought did cross my mind…

Angels:  It’s not, sweet pea.  We believe enough for everyone, especially you.

A-fucking-Men!

Please keep my creative, brilliant, genius mother with fabulous hair in your thoughts and prayers.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  oh man, i know this is a super-rough rough draft.  i’ve been awake for 30+ hours straight.  i came home to take a nap.  instead i wrote.  i feel really vulnerable.  please allow me this space to share my process.  i know my way is probably not the same as your way.  i also know it’s all good.

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me + lesbian porn.

Ha!  I knew the lesbian porn thing would get your attention!

Here’s the deal.

I’ve been trying to write this damn post for hours and hours.  It doesn’t want to come out.  At least not in any form that would be entertaining or even coherent, really.  I’ve written about all sorts of things today, none of which are related or even fucking complete thoughts at this point.  One kind of did involve lesbian porn, so using that phrase in the title was somewhat justified.  Or it was a cheap ploy to get your attention.  You decide.

The problem is that I made this committment to write every day and to “blog” (i.e., write shit that other people might possibly read) at least three times a week, so I am kind of required (by myself) to post something today, even if it isn’t anywhere near close to my usual brilliant prose.

Without further ado, here is what I’m thinking about today.  Comments are oh-so-welcome!

1.  Lesbian Porn —  I got together with my favorite lesbian lawyer friend (MFLLF) last night (woo-hoo!) and, after drinking a massive margarita, decided I should totally tell her about my thing.  After I got all excited and blurted it out I realized immediately that I had made a potentially disastrous mistake.  MFLLF is such a lawyer.  If I didn’t know better I would think she was a Virgo, like most of my other lawyer lady friends.  (you know who you are…..!)  She’s super smart.  Very organized.  Uber-practical.  And, like all lawyers (including, of course, yours truly) she truly believes in the whole concept of needing things to be very defined, rule-bound and clean.  Plus, every [good] lawyer knows that you never, ever undertake anything that you don’t absolutely know you are qualified to do.  And by “qualified” I mean someone has given you written permission to do it, in the form of a degree or a certificate or something tangible.

I know ya’all don’t know what my thing is yet, but let me tell you straight up that it has nothing to do with anything The Man says I’m qualified to do by virtue of having written permission, i.e., it’s not law, it’s not business administration or marketing.  Further, The Man hasn’t even decided if what I want to do is even a real thing.  Questions abound!

Anyway.  MFLLF really really really wanted to be supportive.  And, unfortunately, her lawyer brain really really really hated the idea of me presuming to do something that I didn’t have permission to do.  So, in a very sweet way, she got a teensy bit  judgy.

I panicked.  Why had I revealed my thing in such dangerous waters?  So reckless!  And, now my inner fuck you was DYING to make a scene.  I had to think quickly!

So I deftly steered the conversation away from my thing by raising the topic of lesbian porn.  Whew!  Crisis averted.

Anyway, we had fun.  She didn’t mention my thing again.  In the cold light of day, I feel kind of bad, because this makes me sound uber-manipulative.  I don’t think I consciously thought about what I was doing.  It was a natural instinct.  If there’s one thing I know about my lesbian friends (lawyers or not lawyers) is that they love to hear straight girls talk about sex-related things.  I think they have this theory that there are no real straight girls, just girls who are denying their true sexuality.  Again, I’m totally generalizing.  Plus implying that MFLLF is easily distracted, which she isn’t.  And rambling.  See why I can’t write a good post today?  Anyway, there it is.  Lesbian porn.

2.  The Moratorium – I hate it.  Part of it is a good idea and I know why I did what I did, but really, what a fucking nightmare.  (pun intended)

3.  Homework – I signed up for 2 online classes related to my thing!  One starts tomorrow.  Which means I have homework.  Said homework involves writing.  I don’t wanna do it.  Why?  Excellent question.  I think because it makes my thing a little (a lot) more real and there is always the slight possibility that I could totally suck at it.  Which I will only know if I actually try to do it.  And you know how conflicted I am about trying to do things that I don’t already know I can do really, really well.  I realize this is all circular.  I warned you.

4.  Grace in Small Things – I signed up for a program called “Grace in Small Things“.  So, the goal is to find 5 things that I’m grateful for, blessed with, graced with, whatever, every day for 365 days.  Easy, right?  Not if you’re a negative newt like me!  It is so much easier for me to be snarky and cynical and glass-half-empty-ish than it is for me to be (cringe) cheerful and (god forbid) perky.  Anyway, I’m going to try.  Yay me!

Here are some small things I’m happy/grateful about today:

  • Getting back in touch with an old friend over the weekend!  She is smart AND pretty.  And, one of my all-time favorite memories is sitting in her office practicing using the “c***” word out loud.  I know, right?
  • Seeing MFLLF finally and hearing about some of my old cases/kiddos — things seem to be alright without me.
  • Facebook!  I love finding old friends and keeping up with family, especially my Awesome Son.  Who, by the way, I absolutely do NOT facebook stalk.
  • Free wi-fi.  I’m at a cafe right now and so grateful that I can work just about anywhere these days.
  • Lesbian porn.  Just checking to see if you are still reading… and I would totally understand if you were not.

Well, that’s about it for me. 

xoxo

kim

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shhhh! i figured out my thing.

I don’t even really know how to say this out loud.

I guess I’ll just say this:  I’m pretty sure I figured out what my thing is.

I know.  Crazy.

All that thinking about other things and flailing about (literally and figuratively) and wringing-hands and list-making and going to Portland, and coming back from Portland, and reading, reading, reading actually worked

I know what my thing is and I know I can do it to support myself right away, which is good, since my checking account appears to be bulimic.

And I’m scared.

Not because I don’t think I can do the thing, but because something inside me (probably Kimberly-related) is insisting that I need permission to do my thing.

Permission?

Yup.  Permission.  Let’s listen in:

Kim:  (super excited, maybe fist-pumping…)  “This is IT!  This is the thing!  It was right there all the time.  I can’t wait to get started…”

kimmy:  (lounging on the purple velvet chaise, servant boy painting her toenails)  “YAY! We probably need some new clothes if we’re going to do this thing, don’t you think?  Happy clothes! Colored bras!”

Kim:  (taking notes with purple marker + glitter) “I’m not sure about clothes, kimmy, but we do need to invest some money in the website and in some training and think about copyright stuff….”

Kimberly:  (from behind big black ugly desk and wearing sensible shoes) “It almost sounds like you’re serious about this little thing you’ve come up with.  (heavy sigh)  You do know this will never work, right?”

Kim:  (stretching her legs out and resting her feet on Kimberly’s desk) “Here we go again…. let me guess….this won’t work because we suck and never do anything right?”

Kimberly:  (trying to ignore Kim’s feet)  “Oh don’t be so dramatic.  I’ve never said that.  Well, not exactly that.  It won’t work for the following reasons (A) we don’t have permission from anyone to do it — a person HAS to have permission before doing anything, (B)  we don’t even really know if we will be good at it, why would we even start to try something unless we already knew we were good at it?  and (C) even if we are good at it, how are we going to find anyone who wants to pay us for doing it?  Have you noticed the economy?”

kimmy  (pouting) “Great.  We are stuck with white bras forever…”

Kim:  (undeterred)  “It is that kind of thinking that got us into law school and practicing law for 18+ years.  I’m not going to say it was all bad, we met great people and did some good things, but mostly it sucked. Why?  Because we didn’t have any passion for it!  It was work that took over our whole life and made us feel like a stranger to ourselves.  Remember?  It doesn’t really matter that we don’t know for a fact that we will be great at this thing.  We love it!  We are more likely to be great at something we love.  That is a fact.  Plus we have done it before – we just didn’t call it the same thing.  And we were good.  And we felt energized and sparkly and awesome.” 

(moves to sit on the desk, really pissing Kimberly Ann off)

“I can’t even count the number of things we haven’t done just because we didn’t know ahead of time we were going to be good at it.  It’s ridiculous.  No more.  And yes, the economy sucks.  But that just means that there are probably more people than ever who really need us to do our thing.  The right people — our right people — will pay if they think our thing can help them.  We need to make sure we can help and make sure we find our right people.  I know we can do it.  The only person we need permission from is right here.  We’ve done the research and know that we don’t have to have a degree or a certification or sanction from GOD in order to do this.  Plus, we could decide that we want to get a certification later – people do that all the time.  You do NOT have to get it before you start doing your thing.”

kimmy:  (sitting up excitedly) “And, for your information, GOD thinks this plan totally rocks and agrees with me that no creative, smart, successful woman should be limited to wearing only white bras, duh.”

Kimberly:  (head in hands) “What is up with her?  Don’t we own at least one non-white bra?”

Kim:  (smiling)  “We do.  I’m not sure what this anti-white bra position is even about.  Could be Moratorium related.”

Kimberly:  (somewhat defeated)  “I can’t believe I’m saying this, because it is soooooooooo not like me.  But…  I will think about it.  I still think we need permission from someone to do this thing.  I mean, it’s really not even all our ideas– other people had the ideas and we are talking about putting them together to do our thing, is that even legal?  And what will Mom think?  And Everyone Else… Ex-husband No. 1, for example, will have a field day raging at us about doing this new thing instead of practicing law.  Not that it matters.  It just sucks… and Awesome Son may be exposed to it.  Anyway.  All I can say is that I’m thinking.  Can we just not make a big announcement about this right now?”

Kim:  (ecstatic, hugs Kimberly)  “Oh, honey I know you are scared and that you just don’t want us to get hurt.  I’m sorry about that.  Thank you for thinking about it!  Let’s try to figure out a way to make this thing work so that you feel safe and we all feel good about it.  We don’t have to tell anyone the specifics right now, but I do think we need to move forward.  Being stuck is no good.  Let’s get all the info together so when we do talk about it out loud we feel good….and safe….and ok even if someone gets all judgy.”

kimmy:  (gets in the middle of the group hug, toenails dry)  “Woo to the Hoo, we have a THING bitches!”

Kimberly:  “She needs to stop with the Kardashian-isms or Jersey Shore-isms or whatever the fuck she is doing and she needs to stop NOW….”

Kim: (just smiles) “It’s kind of cute…”

THE END

So, I have a thing.

I will also probably have many many more issues about this thing that have to be addressed, discussed, argued about in my head and out loud.  But still!  Yay for my thing!!

Have a great weekend!

xoxo

kim

p.s.  oh, and if you’re thinking “but i thought her thing was writing?” — you’re right!  my thing totally includes writing, but allows me to have money for things like food between now and when my novel becomes a best-seller.  win/win.

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Yet Another Scary Peek Into My Brain.

I’ve got a lot of stuff swimming around my brain these days.  There are some Important and Relevent things like, for example, figuring out how to make some money and figuring out what to “do” with my life (next).  Then there are the arguably less important and relevent things, primarily related to the End of the World.

Let’s discuss….

In the middle of the crisis at the nuclear plants in Japan (which isn’t over, I guess) last week, I decided to read “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy.  An uplifting story about a father and son scratching out a miserable post-nuclear-annihilation life.  I’m not even going to pretend to do any kind of fancy book-review thing here, I’m not exploring literary themes, I’m just sharing my thoughts.  Which I can totally do.  Because, it’s my blog.

Anyway.  The book is really interesting and raised all sorts of questions in my mind.  The obvious one being “could I survive after my part of the earth is destroyed by nuclear war?” (Note:  the author never explains what happened beyond some references to the Russians and likely targets in the U.S., but there’s ash everywhere and no sun and everything is dead — sounds like “nuclear winter” to moi…)  The obvious answer is “NO”.  I have absolutely no survival skills.  I mean, I could maybe survive for a little bit if I had some canned food and a can opener and some bottled water and Advil.  But really?  No.

Not much else to say about that.

Other, less obvious questions that are driving me crazy include big questions about “GOD”.  What would I conclude about him/her/it if pretty much everyone was dead and/or dying and I was alive, but starving and miserable and lonely and hiding from cannibals/zombies?  Would I conclude that the Rapture or Day of Reckoning (are those the same things?) had come and I, ummm, didn’t make the cut? (just like cheerleading try-outs in 6th grade…thanks God)  Would I be all noble and think “Good point, GOD, I deserve this.  My bad.” or would I be all “you suck, GOD, you really are just as mean and wrathful as people said you would be.” or would I conclude that there just isn’t any “GOD” or Universal Intelligence. Or maybe no to “GOD” but yes to “Universal Intelligence”?*

All of this leads me to consider what I think about “GOD” today?  Do I need to wait for something super big and awful to happen to put my thinking cap on and figure out where I stand?  Just throwing that out on the table — don’t panic — I have absolutely no intention of figuring this out right now.  In public.

Other End-of-the-World-ish things I’m thinking about instead of figuring out my actual life:  Sex (So many questions…including whether the Moratorium survives nuclear holocaust?); Rules (What would they be?  Who would make them?  Would I follow someone else’s rules again?); Chocolate (Never having chocolate again seems overly harsh, must stockpile);  Unibrows (Save the tweezers!); Dreadlocks (Must figure out how these work before end of world); Humor (Would nuclear annihilation jokes be politically correct or no?); Seasonal Affective Disorder (No sun + no meds + destruction of the world = major depression); Kids (There goes the old “don’t whine about your life…when I was a kid [insert horrible thing, like “we had no TV on Thursdays!”] argument, because, frankly, their lives would totally suck + “hey, sorry about the planet, life used to be fucking awesome, you should’ve seen it!”); Standardized Testing (Has it ever meant anything, really?); Political Parties (All people: “hmmm, we totally just made that shit up…seems kinda dumb now, doesn’t it?”); Fighting (What would there be to fight about?  Maybe food.  Probably food/water.  But beyond that, would we start to make shit up to fight about again? Even after we destroyed our world?)

Oh goody.  This fun thought just came to me.  What if we have done this before?  Destroyed the earth/humanity because we made up shit to fight about.  What if this is humanity’s second chance?  What if this is our 8th chance?  Our 122nd chance?  How embarrassing for us.  Destroy the earth/humanity, miraculously recover, repopulate the earth, become “civilized”, start hoarding things and fighting over them, and then — ooops, there goes humanity, again!**

I’m exhausted.

Two things you need to know before you start getting all “uuuhhhh, hey dummy Kim…what about [important thing]” — (a) I had no idea I was going to write about this today (or ever) so (b) I realize that I’ve only scratched the surface of a huge number of issues that bear further examination with my little sight-seeing trip inside my brain.

Maybe I just wanted you to know that sometimes I think about fairly deep stuff when I’m avoiding thinking about other, more important deep stuff.  Did you ever think of that, smarty pants?

xoxo

kim

*  and what if some other person came along and was like “hey, i can totally save your soul….”  then what?  or, OMG, what if some joe came along and was like “hey, i’m the devil, welcome to hell…”

**  i thought i was quoting Eminem with my “oops, there goes” humanity line, but i totally screwed it up, he says “SNAP back to reality, OH there goes gravity..”, fyi.

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we’re baaaack.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that we (my baggage and I) are back home.  Not only did we make it home fully intact, we even seem to have picked up some new baggage due to unexpected issue expansion.  Oh, how I wish I were exaggerating.

First, a couple of preliminary matters:  Yay Sunshine!  Yay beautiful snow-capped mountains and spring flowers peeking out!  Yay familiar streets! and Yay+Yay for awesome kid coming to pick me up and even coming inside the airport for me! 

Also:  Yay! My fabulous roommate/genius mother is still out of town!  This means: (a) no one is here to notice that my actual baggage is spread out over three floors of our home… and (b) I don’t have to explain/describe/talk about my trip yet.  Whew.

If I absolutely had to talk about my trip today — instead of nursing my trip hangover and napping — I would probably say something uber-cheerful about how great it was and hope to God that was the end of the discussion.

The truth is that it was great.  Awesome.  Amazing.  Life changing, even. 

But before it was all of those things, it was hard, sucky, scary, prickly, uncomfortable, sad, violent, weird, out-of-body-ish, deja vu-ish, “I can’t believe I forgot [x]!”-ish and “who-the-fuck-am-I?”-ish.  Not to mention having to look at and talk to monsters and walls and patterns, oh my!

And mixed into all of it was the fun.  Not the grown-up “oh, going out to dinner and seeing a movie is just so fabulously fun!” kind of fun.  The kind of  fun you barely remember ever having until you do it again — blanket fort fun!  drawing pictures fun!  using glue fun! pillow fun!  magic marker fun! quitting what you are doing as soon as something else looks fun kind of fun!  dancing fun!  woo-hoo fun!

Plus napping.

And epiphanies!  I was feeling all “I suck” because it seemed that other people were having epiphanies and I wasn’t.  Which is stupid because I should know by now that I am a “delayed reaction” person in a lot of ways.  Like tanning and epiphany-having.  My epiphanies came at the very very end of the first workshop (the Rally!) and after the second workshop (Playing the Matrix) and on the flight home, and last night, and this morning.  I’m pretty sure I’m not done.

Anyway.  It was a big week.  Lots of stuff happened.  I’m still trying to sort it all out and figure out what to do with all of it and how (or whether) to explain it.

Oh!  Here’s a surprising (to some…) twist — the Moratorium remained intact all week!  I’m giving myself a lot of sparklepoints for that because (a) it was raining the entire time and, well, I have a thing about rain (or any kind of precipitation, really) and (b)  I’m cuter in the pacific northwest…. and (c)  Portland appears to be dripping with interesting men.  Some of whom I met.

Yay me!

xoxo

kim

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oh, hey portland, it’s me and my fucking baggage

You know that saying “wherever you go, there you are….” ?  I don’t think I fully understood what that meant until now.

Here I am in Portland (Oregon).  And, well, here I am.

I’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks.  I used it to avoid thinking about “what I’m gonna do next” because I just knew that, once I got to this workshop, it would magically come to me and everything would flow and people would be amazed at how fucking brilliant I am and how peaceful and oh-so-self-assured.  NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED.

I’m still me.  I’m still confused.  I’m still trying to avoid the hard work of actually working through the shit that won’t let me do the thing that I’m supposed to be doing.  The monsters aren’t getting smaller and weaker, they are having a FIELD DAY.  

Tuesday Kim:  “Wow!  I think I know what my thing is, and maybe how to start doing it!  Yay me!” 

Fear Monster:  “How precious, she thinks she figured something out today, I can’t wait to destroy her enthusiasm tonight.”

Wednesday morning Kim:  “Oh, I almost forgot that I suck.  Good thing that fear monster is right here with me to remind me not only of how much I suck in general, but of how much I specifically suck for spending money to get to Portland, to stay in Portland, to pay for the workshop + food and getting nothing out of it.”  AND “That fear monster is so good that I’m not even at the workshop right now.  I’m in my hotel room, in bed, thinking about how much I suck for letting my fear monster get to me like this.”

It’s true.  This is how fucked up I am.  My life didn’t change immediately upon entering the workshop and I didn’t feel all “ra-ra” about it and I didn’t immediately find people that I just love and want to hang with all the time.  Oh, and the “teacher” (I put that in quotes because I don’t think she would ever call herself a teacher, but I can’t think of a better word except “Pirate Queen” but then you guys will start asking me about that and it’s a long story…) doesn’t just love me either.  There is a huge awkwardness there.  Probably because she has to protect herself from people like me, who want her to make my life better while simultaneously sucking the life out of her…. or because I’m basically unloveable.  It’s a toss up.

I sometimes make fun of people (in my head) who want things to be easy.  Mostly it’s been with the people I worked with in the child welfare law arena. 

 Them: “This is bullshit! I have to fill out all these papers just to get [food, health care, child care] and you want me to go to the office to turn them in?  That is so unfair!  I don’t have that kind of time!” 

Me (in my head): “So, yes, you “have to” fill out some papers in order to get free [food, health care, child care], the other alternative, that some of us think is super unfair and sucky is to get a JOB.  Turns out that when you decide to bring a child into the world, you are kind of obligated to, at the very least, keep it alive, and that usually involves some sort of nourishment and shelter.  And yes, you have to go to the office once every few months in order to keep the benefits rolling, which I know cuts into your time, kind of like my JOB cuts into mine.”

I think I should apply the same logic to myself: 

Me:  “This is bullshit!  I paid all this money to get here and I spent one whole day working on my stuff and I didn’t even figure it out?  And I’m not having the best time of my life?  I quit!”

Me:  “Oh you poor, poor dear.  Everything isn’t perfect?!  It’s not easier just because you are in Portland and working with Havi?  And it’s been a WHOLE DAY?!  I think you should demand a refund…..”

Me:  “Wow, I sound like a spoiled brat/idiot.”

Me:  “Exactly.  Get in the shower and get over to the workshop asap and, for the love of God, stop whining.”

Me:  “AAARRRGGHHH!  Alright, but I’m not fucking “la-la-la” happy about all this.”

Me:  “Get over yourself.”

So.  I guess I will get in the stupid shower and put on my stupid “workshop clothes” and take the stupid taxi and hope I don’t look like a complete ass walking in two hours late.  Maybe I will even actually work on getting through my shit today, instead of expecting it to magically dissolve.  Stay tuned.

xoxo

kim

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packing, interrupted

This is probably not going to come as a huge surprise to anyone.  I’ve been procrastinating today.  And maybe yesterday.

I’m flying to Portland, OR tomorrow.  I am spending the week there – first at a workshop/Rally! with Havi Brooks, the amazing person behind The Fluent Self, and (I can’t believe this “coincidence”…) it turns out Mike Dooley is also in Portland next week with his “Playing the Matrix” workshop (based on lots of stuff, including his newest book “Manifesting Change“) and guess who gets to go volunteer/attend?  Lucky moi!

I’m totally excited for this big adventure!

Which is why I’m having a hard time figuring out why I’m dragging my feet about packing/finalizing details/closing up the house?  Mostly packing, cuz that is fairly important. 

Guess I need to talk to the girls who live in my head.  Again….:

Kim: (stomping into the room) “This is starting to bother me, can anyone tell me why we aren’t further along on our getting-ready-to-leave-tomorrow-morning stuff?”

kimmy: (pouting while folding some green silky thing) “ask Kimberly, she won’t let me pack any of the NON women’s-group/yoga-chick clothes that I want to bring.”

Kimberly:  (pointing at kimmy’s pile of clothes) “Have you seen what she wants to take?  Non-essentials.  Maybe even naughty clothes.  She is totally trying to get around the moratorium…”

kimmy: (voice rising) “We can’t spend the entire week in yoga clothes, can we?  Shouldn’t we have options?  Plus, there is an “out of state” exception to the moratorium, duh.”

Kim:  (looking for Advil) “Tell me you are kidding, is this seriously what is holding everything up?”

Kimberly: (using her condescending voice) “Of course not, that would be too easy to address.  I think you should know that I have a LOT of hesitation about all this “workshopping” you two want to do.”

Kim:  (exasperated)  “OMG  — why do you always do shit like this?  I thought we addressed every little thing you were concerned about, what could possibly be left?”

Kimberly:  (plopping herself on the empty suitcase)  “We talked about my concerns, we didn’t really address them.  I mean, we still don’t even have a good answer when someone asks us about the Rally.  Why are we going?  What on God’s green earth do we expect to get out of this frivolity?  Oh, and let’s get real, do you really think we can get anything done at a workshop that features blanket forts….”

kimmy: (clapping)  “Yay! Blanket Forts!  And don’t forget the hammock…”

Kimberly:  “Nice.  Blanket forts AND a hammock.  Kind of like a Continuing Legal Education course.  NOT.  This would feel like a boondoggle, except we are paying for it ourselves, which, by definition, takes the fun out of boondoggling. 

(sighs….)

“Let’s just recap:  we don’t really know what we’re getting out of the workshop, we don’t know who else is going to the workshop — they could totally suck — we don’t know anything about Portland except that it’s going to be rainy and cold the entire time we’re there and we are fat and really don’t know what to pack.  Oh and totally travelling alone, to a strange city, and did I mention alone.”

Kim:  (looking at Kimberly sympathetically)  “I am sorry you are so scared.  You’re right about one thing, this Rally is going to be nothing like a CLE course, Thank God…  We aren’t required to go and we don’t get “credit” for our time.  We also don’t have to pretend like we know what we are doing OR that we even care about the subject matter of the course.  No one will be watching to see if we “sneak” out and then “fraudulently” claim credit for it.  Best of all,  no one will be assessing our worth based on where we work  or on how busy we pretend to be during the course or on what kind of bag we are carrying — although we did get that awesome Coach bag from Sarah, so that wouldn’t suck.”

Kimberly: (protesting)  “All that sounds great, but what do we get?”

kimmy: (saucy smile) “Woo-hoo! We get out from under this nightmare moratorium!”

Kim: (heavy sigh)  “You are not helping, kimmy…. Here are just a few of the things I think we are going to “get” from attending the Rally — First, even if we get nothing else out of it — which is highly unlikely — we get the alone-time we were hoping to get in January.  We get time away from this house and away from Mom’s illness — which means time to think and feel and figure out who we are away from responsibility for those things.  We’ve been super overwhelmed since moving in with Mom – all sorts of issues about who the fuck we are here/now and how we can hold onto ourselves and still be present to and supportive of Mom’s journey…  We need this time.”

(trying not to smile as she watches kimmy sneak the silky green thing into the carry-on bag)

“Second – We get to get serious about figuring out what is next.  That is certainly not happening here, is it?  We get to figure out where our strengths are, we get to brainstorm with other people who are doing the same work, we get to write and write and write and figure out where to go from here.  Best of all we get to meet cool people who are probably our people!  Haven’t we been bitching about wanting a support system while we go through all this scary change?  Not to mention life?  The way I see it, this has the potential of being life-changing in the best way.

Kimberly:  (thinks for a minute, then sighs) “I’m not comfortable with all this loosy-goosy “woo-woo” stuff, but if it will help us find some kind of direction I guess I can cooperate.  Don’t expect me to be all giddy about it though.  I don’t do giddy.”

Kim:  (starting to pack)  “Yeah, we’re aware of your issues with silly things like, for example, happiness.  We need to work on that.  Does this mean we can get packed and ready to go now?”

Kimberly:  “Fine, but don’t think that I didn’t notice little Miss Saucy-Pants slipping stuff into the luggage.”

Kim:  (winking at kimmy)  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kimberly: “Right.”

THE END.

Interesting stuff.  I don’t think I have it all worked out yet, but I’m at least feeling motivated to get the darn packing done.  Yay – a little destuckification!!

xoxo

kim

p.s.  i’m not sure if i’m going to be able to blog  at all next week….  i was planning to pre-blog, but, well, you know how i am…. anyway, wish me luck!

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