Things they don’t tell you in books about grief, but probably should, according to me.

(NOTE:  This is really more of a “rant” than a “post”, but, frankly, this is all I’ve got today and technically it qualifies as “writing” [according to me] so, ummm, here goes.)

Here’s the thing.

I’ve read a lot of books on grief and grieving.

Some of them are helpful, others are not.

They all mention “denial” and “coming to terms with the reality of death”-type stuff, but they don’t seem to really capture just how fucked up it is to wrap your head around the fact that someone who was HERE is now NOT HERE and, moreover, will never be HERE again.

We all think we know what “death” means.  I mean, everyone knows this basic fact of life, right?  And then it happens and you’re all “what?”.

Or, if you’re like me, it’s more like this:

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?”

and

“No no no no no nononononooooooooooooo”

and

“Wait, did that seriously just happen?”

and

“No. No, it didn’t.”

and

“OH FUCK, IT DID REALLY HAPPEN?”

and

“Why are these people just going about their daily lives like nothing has happened?  Don’t they KNOW?  WTF?  Why are the banks even open?”

and

“Now what?”

and

“I’m just supposed to keep living?” 

and

“IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE!?”

and

“FUCK.”

and

“OMG I can’t wait to tell  [insert dead person’s name] about this bullshit.”

and

“Oh.”

and

“Oh. My. God.  That picture just fell off the wall…. is [insert dead person’s name] trying to tell me something?!  What?  WHAT?  I DON’T SPEAK DEAD PEOPLE LANGUAGE, DAMMIT!”

and

“Ok, I’m a little creeped out that [insert dead person’s name] is probably here, right now.  Does he/she watch me on the toilet?”

and

“Maybe [insert dead person’s name] is not, in fact, dead.  Maybe he/she is just hiding….”

and

“Fuck.”

and

“Oh look, it’s Dead Person X’s favorite movie….(happy/sad moment) and there’s Dead Person Y’s car and here’s Dead Person Z’s favorite restaurant/song/shoes/tree/flower/beverage and on and on and on and on”

and

“THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE.  MAKE IT STOP!”

and

“Fuck me.”

and

“What does death even mean?”

and

“I’m scared to die.”

and

“How could [insert dead person’s name] leave now?  We weren’t done yet.  There’s so much more.  And what about [insert every single thing you thought you were going to have time to share with the person who is now, evidently, dead]”

and

“I STRENUOUSLY OBJECT TO THIS BULLSHIT, GOD!”

and

“If one more person tells me that [insert dead person’s name] is in a “better place” now I will, in fact, become violent.  WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT [insert dead person’s name]?  OF COURSE HE/SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE, I’M CRYING FOR ME, ASSHOLES…. WHAT ABOUT ME?  I’M SURE AS FUCK NOT IN A “BETTER PLACE” NOW.”

and

“I am officially the most selfish person in the entire world, and possibly the entire Universe.”

and

“If I had been a better person, this might not be happening.”

and

“Fuck.”

and

“I’m going to be a much better person now….”

and

“OMG, [insert dead person’s name] would shit if he/she saw how dirty my car is right now!”

and

“What if I forget what [insert dead person’s name] looks like?  What if I forget the sound of his/her voice?  His/her laugh.  The way he/she walked?  What then?”

and

“Oh fuck.  I almost went a whole day without remembering that [insert dead person’s name] is gone.”

and

“I’m pretty sure this is just a bad dream.”

and

“WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?”

***********

And it goes on like this for quite some time.

Around and around — I believe it happened and then I don’t believe it happened and then I actually forget about it for a while and then something reminds me and the grief is fresh again and it’s as if I’ve never felt it before.

I know that it ends at some point.

My Dad died in his sleep 15 years ago and I’ve recently realized that I’m no longer surprised when I remember that he’s gone.  It still hurts.  I miss him all the time.  But I  am finally resigned to the fact that he is gone.

Not so with my sweet grandmothers and my artistic genius Mom (with great hair) — all of whom died in the last three years.

I find that I’m not at all convinced that they are truly gone.

And yes, I know that people you love are never truly gone because they live on in your heart and blah blah blah blah…..

But really, they are gone.

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?

xoxoxo

kim

p.s.  YES, as a matter of fact, I am still taking my antidepressants 🙂

p.p.s.  have I mentioned that I’m struggling with writing?  aarrrrgggghhhhhhh!

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4 Comments

Filed under Cancer sucks., grief, The Caregiver with the Dragon Tattoo, Writing and Not-Writing

4 responses to “Things they don’t tell you in books about grief, but probably should, according to me.

  1. Sue T

    Yep, qualifies as writing.

    Oh, my, yes … all those questions and a couple hundred more, right?

    If dead people are with us in the bathroom, they probably don’t watch us on the toilet; they look around the bathroom and see all the dust and grime we haven’t been noticing. 🙂

    I often do think my Dad is with me when I fly, and I hold his hand whenever there is choppy air or worse. (It really helps me be less nervous.) But I only flew with him once, back when I was a kid, so I don’t know why this particular idea has gotten into my head.

    Maybe my Mom could be with me in public restrooms; I so often had to help her in them during the last few years of her life, I think of her practically any time I am in one. If she is there, she is probably thinking, thank you God I don’t have to do _that_ any more.

    ❤ to you, Kim.

  2. Some things are beyond the scope of anti-depressants. Grief is one of them.

  3. irene saley

    kimmers – if i were in your shoes, i’d have exactly the same thoughts – and yes, i agree, this qualified as writing (its awesome by the way and i think Sue’s comment about our departed loved one being in the bathroom with us but really turning their head and just observing all the dust is way too adorable). . .just as i would say if i were you, “my thoughts exactly” – you’re right on the money honey (couldn’t resist the honey part). thanks for sharing this!
    hugs,
    irene

  4. Yeah, what really starts to mess with your head is when you have a dream about (insert dead person’s name here) and it is so completely realistic and then you wake up and you go… “oh. fuck.” Yeah. That sucks. I’ve had some humdingers about my dad lately – who has been gone for 7 years and I *thought* I had finally come to terms with the fact that he is not HERE anymore. And then.. whammo! Uh…. that probably doesn’t help you at all, does it? Except to say – you’re not alone in how much losing a loved one completely and all-encompassingly sucks. (No charge for this fabulous bit of grief counseling…)

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