(Note: This post has nothing to do with Frida Kahlo (as far as I can tell…) but she looks cranky (I think it’s the eyebrows?) and I’m cranky, so the picture resonated with me and voila! here it is, on my blog, without permission from anyone. I’m sorry.)
I’m not even sure why I’m writing this except that I just spent HOURS trying to find a new blog theme that worked better than the old blog theme and I finally found one I kind-of-sort-of like and I installed it and I feel like I should write a post acknowledging that yes, the blog looks different.
Yes, the blog looks different. I kinda like it. I wanted to make it easier to navigate and easier to see the comments and also to leave comments. Let me know your thoughts, por favor.
In other news:
There is no other news.
I’m a wee bit cranky, y’all.
For one thing, I think my body and brain are very confused about the fact that we don’t live where there are seasons anymore. Colorado = 4 seasons. Mexico (as far as I can tell) = 1 season + some rain sometimes… Last year was the first year I pretty much totally missed winter (except for a few weeks) and now I’ve also missed Spring and am missing Fall.
I hate missing Fall in Colorado.
The days are warm and the nights are cool. There is excitement in the air. The quality of the sunlight is different from any other time of year. It’s completion, harvest, preparing for winter-time. Fall has always been my favorite time of year.
So I’ve been a bit down about THAT and also just in general. I mentioned to a friend that I was down and that I was not sure why and she was all “ummm, you’ve had a few losses recently…?”
Oh yes, loss. Now my mood makes a little more sense.
In the “totally obvious” category is the loss of my artistic genius mommy (who had great hair!)(and who I miss every single damn day, damn damn damn damn) and then there are the other losses — my home, my career (yes, I hated it most of the time, but still, a career of 20 years is over and that is hard in it’s own way), my son (not dead THANK GOD but away at school and, because of the douchebag who stole all my shit, I got to spend virtually NO time with him before I had to come back to Mexico), my home was violated by a person who masqueraded as a friend, double-whammy, and then another friendship that meant a lot to me seems to be over for reasons unknown to me.
And I hate the conversations that go on in my head about this shit:
Me: “Mom died and I’m so sad.”
Asshole in my head: “Everyone dies. You knew she was sick, you had plenty of time to prepare for her death. She’s in a better place. Move on.”
Me: “I miss my baby boy! It’s like an ache that never goes away and I just want to see him.”
Asshole in my head: “He’s 20. He’s in college. He’s fine. Why are you living in Mexico if you’re dying to see him? Kids grow up. Get over it.”
Me: “I can’t believe that pendejo pretended to be my friend and then systematically stole all my stuff and tried to rent my house to other people and still lied when I conronted him! That hurts! I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I feel violated.”
Asshole in my head: “It’s your own fault, you idiot. You should never have trusted the pendejo. Everyone else knew he was a bad seed. You deserve what you got.”
Me: “I miss my friend. I’m sad.”
Asshole in my head: “You have other friends. If she were really your friend, she would tell you what is wrong. You don’t need this drama. Move on.”
You get the picture….
Here’s what I want to say to the asshole in my head (and anyone else who thinks like he/she does):
“What you say may be true, and it still hurts. It’s not the end of the world, my life isn’t over, I’m not spending every day lying in bed just waiting to fucking DIE, but it still hurts. So here’s what we’re going to do, you are going to shut up and I’m going to acknowledge the pain, wrap my arms around myself and tell myself everything will be ok, it’s just a little pain, and then I’m going to go the fuck on with my life and try to keep remembering that you are just an asshole voice in my head who clearly wasn’t loved enough as a child.”
And yes, I realize that I’m talking to no one but myself.
Is that weird?
p.s. so, the pendejo is still “at large” but i finally received the electric bill that he racked up while living here (electricity is very expensive here) — $500 — so that sucks, but i’m glad to get it because once i pay that bill (ouch) the last of HIS damage will be accounted for and over. expensive lesson.
p.p.s. i haven’t been to the beach in AGES which makes no sense since that is why i wanted to live here. i’ve got lots of reasons but none really make much sense. not sure what is going on there….
p.p.p.s. partially i haven’t been getting out much because it’s HOTTER THAN FUCK here. but if i went to the beach it would be breezy and cooler, so that is dumb.