And by “practically”, I mean that I don’t technically have Typhoid Fever, but for a day or two I was pretty sure I had Typhoid Fever and my symptoms are remarkably similar to Typhoid Fever (according to the world wide interweb) so really whether I technically have Typhoid Fever or not is not the point. I practically have it.
Technically I have a kidney infection.
A really horribly bad kidney infection! With fevers and chills and fatigue (oh my!) and muscle/joint pain and sick tummy.
I’ve had it for, ummmm, almost three weeks. But I just went to the Doctor on Friday, naturally.
Why the delay in seeking medical attention?
On account of how I’m not that smart is the answer to that good question.
Instead of going to the Doctor I spent weeks trying to figure out what was wrong with me by doing two things that are almost never helpful (a) talking (read: complaining) to friends about it and (b) researching medical stuff on the internet.
Here are the medical conditions that I tentatively diagnosed myself with over the past two weeks:
- Cancer, obviously.
- Fibromyalgia — the muscle/joint pain was truly horrific and I still might have this….
- MS — because I’m from Colorado and everyone gets MS in Colorado plus I have some symptoms.
- Chronic Fatigue Syndrome — I was really really tired.
- Strep throat — I had a sore throat the first week into this.
- Menopause — well, pre-menopause — I thought I had that menopause fog + extreme fatigue + I thought I was having hot flashes when it was just a deadly high fever….. I’m not kidding.
- Rheumatoid Arthritis — have I mentioned how much my muscles and joints hurt? A lot.
- Dengue Fever — actually a friend suggested that I might have this and, of course, after reading about it I was convinced that I totally had it.
- Malaria — I have none of the symptoms, but it seemed possible since I live in a tropical place.
- Drug Addiction — because I might have taken a few pain pills that were not prescribed to me. I was taking them for menstrual cramps. Which is like amputating your arm because of a scratch – overkill. Anyway, then I stopped taking them and the horrible muscle/joint pain set in and I was all – Fuck! Withdrawal symptoms! Now I know exactly what heroin addicts must feel like when they try to stop! Which, in hindsight is hilarious and sad.
- Brain tumor — on account of the incredibly awful and unrelenting headache that lasted for fucking ever. In fact, it’s back again today after a brief respite. So the potential brain tumor is still on the table.
- Depression — Ahhhh, my old friend Depression. Here’s how I feel when I’m really depressed: headachey + no energy + body aches and pains + foggy thinking. And here’s how I’ve felt the past few weeks: headachey + no energy + excruciating body pain + foggy thinking. Oh and a HUGE FEVER – which should’ve tipped me off that I wasn’t just reaching a new low in my experience of Depression and it probably would have, if it had occurred to me that I was having a high fever, instead of occurring to me that I was having menopause-related hot flashes. Also, I’m not even menopausal.
- Lyme disease — turns out they don’t really have that in my part of Mexico. STILL – the body pain?
- Meningitis — the headache was really fucking bad. And my neck hurt. And I had a fever.
- The Plague — don’t laugh. You can still totally get it. Just probably not here.
A friend finally got tired of listening to me moan and groan and insisted that I go see a Doctor fortheloveofGod.
And while I was at the Doctor’s office I remembered this little tidbit of (it turns out) crucially important information: about 3 weeks ago I thought I had a bladder infection, so I took some antibiotics that my Aunt had given me (I know) for three days, after which I concluded that everything was fine…..
The smart Doctor (who appears to be 12, but tells me his son is celebrating his 15th birthday soon) suggests that we do some blood tests and a urinalysis. And I say “what are you testing for?” And he says “Dengue Fever, Typhoid Fever [and some other stuff]….” And I’m all “What? Typhoid?” And he was all “Yes, your symptoms are consistent with Typhoid.” So I went home and researched Typhoid Fever and became 1000000% convinced that I had it.
And I might have made a big deal about it and told my sister about it and made it sound all dramatic. Not that I had to do much to make it sound dramatic, I mean, you don’t hear “I have Typhoid Fever” a lot. And then I told some other people who I hoped would feel sorry for me and maybe feel bad that I had been suffering while they were just going about their lives and not calling or writing me. And that kind of worked on everyone except my fucking sassy, Virgo sister who was all “shut up, you’re not dying right now….” Which is what I love about her. And also what pisses me off about her — sometimes I just want a little bit of loving attention. Is that so wrong?
Imagine my surprise, then, when I went back to get the results of the lab tests and the smart Doctor says that I don’t, in fact, have an exotic tropical disease, but I do have a bad infection and it is most likely in my kidneys. And also that it is the result of the bladder infection that I didn’t treat properly. Oopsie.
Color me embarrassed.
And color my sassy, Virgo sister amused.
I started the antibiotics last night. I can’t say that I feel amazingly better today, but things are looking up.
I haven’t been out of the house yet today, but by God I just wrote a blog post, didn’t I? 🙂
p.s. i don’t really have a p.s., but it’s tradition, so……