When all else fails, write a list, right? Here are 32 mostly true things about me, right now.

I’m alive.

Is that true?  What if this is all an illusion?  What if I’m really in a coma?  Or in suspended animation on a spaceship on my way to Jupiter?  What if all this is just one second of one minute of a daydream that the “real” me is having?  What if I’m really a fruit fly?  Do fruit flies grieve the loss of their parents?  I’m a little speck of life on a big blue planet rolling through a vast universe.  In the big scheme of things, do I matter?  Does anyone?  Anything?  Are there other beings out there who pity me for the teensy tiny life I am granted?  Do they wonder if a little thing like me grieves the loss of her parents?  Do they wonder why I bother to do anything given the ridiculously short amount of time I’m allotted to “live” on this one lonely planet in space?  Maybe I’m an ant, in an antfarm, on a little boy’s dresser.  Maybe I’m his favorite ant.  Maybe he’s never noticed me.

Everything is relative, it turns out.

But I digress…..

What I meant to say is that “Hey, I’m still alive and I haven’t abandoned my blog, despite convincing evidence to the contrary!”

And I also meant to say that I’m having a ridiculously hard time sitting down and writing anything meaningful, interesting, or even coherent.

But I long for connection.

So here I am.

And here are 32 things that are mostly true about me, right now, in this moment:

  1. I don’t like Mondays.
  2. Which is weird, since I don’t even have a job to dread going back to on Mondays.
  3. I don’t like March.
  4. I’ve never liked March.  In Colorado, March is the month that teases you into thinking the long, dark, cold days of winter are over and then slams you with a snowstorm from hell (or two) just so it can laugh at your naivete.  I’m not sure how I feel about March in Mexico yet.  So far it’s not my favorite.  The bright, sparkly high season is coming to a close which feels like a relief and also like sadness.
  5. I miss my son.  I think this is the longest stretch of time that I haven’t laid eyes on him in his entire 19 years of existence.  I don’t like it.  I don’t care that he probably likes it, that it’s normal, that this is what happens when kids grow up and go away to college.  I don’t like it.  It’s not fair.  When will this feel ok?  I think NEVER….
  6. I hate this cheap computer.  Now the “r” key is sticking, which is uber-inconvenient.
  7. I love my new salad spinner.  I don’t love that it cost, like, $30.00 and I had to go to 5 different stores in Cancun to find the very last one left on the shelf at Walmart.
  8. Yes, there’s a Walmart in Cancun.  I know….
  9. I’m annoyed with Sue, the pretend-buddha iguana.  He’s very inconsistent.  I think he’s just not that into me anymore.
  10. I miss my Mom.
  11. I’m thinking about learning how to make jewelry.
  12. My Mom made amazing jewelry so, of course, I acted like I wasn’t interested in learning how to make it and then she died and now I’m all “What the fuck?  How do I not know how to make this cool jewelry?” and “What an asshat daughter I’ve been.”
  13. I miss my car.  It’s a PT Cruiser convertible and it’s zippy, and I’m super-cute when I drive it (according to me…)
  14. I’m not cute when I drive Mom’s old blazer here in Mexico.  The paint is completely trashed, the tires are usually flat and it makes a lot of weird noises.
  15. I miss my  sassy virgo sister.  She always makes me laugh.  She makes me laugh on the phone, too, but it’s more fun in person.
  16. I’m obsessed with the song “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye.  It’s a catchy tune, but what I love about it is that it is true.  Sometimes people come into your life and suddenly your life revolves around them and you can’t imagine that you ever even had a life without them and then, eventually, they somehow become just someone that you used to know.  Everything changes.  It’s weird.
  17. I’ve recently learned that there is such a thing as a “Pick-Up Artist” and there are books for men to learn how to become one of these things.  So, because I’m insanely curious about it, I’m reading one of these books.  I probably need to dedicate an entire blog post to this, but for now, let me just say that it’s (a) very interesting and oh-so-different from the books written about dating/relationships for women, and (b) somewhat insulting and (c) completely clear that I’ve totally been “Gamed” over the years.
  18. Oh, I also read that “Fifty Shades of Grey” book that everyone is talking about.
  19. It’s good, but I’ve read MUCH better erotica, FYI.  (Anne Rice, for one, is a master of the genre.)
  20. I’m as shocked as every other wanna be author (and publisher) that this book is making such big waves.
  21. Who knew the market was ripe for some light BDSM and lots of email flirtation?  Ummm, E L James, I guess…  You go girl!
  22. My nerves are on edge because my neighbors (a) have a new baby who cries all the time and (b) have a 2-ish year old son who is totally unsupervised most of the time and when he’s not unsupervised, he is being spanked/beaten….with a belt.  And everyone gets in on it, including his brother who can’t be more than 8 years old… Oh hello to my issues re: my career in child welfare law and any kind of violence.  It’s horrible and it’s gotten to the point where I have decided that I’m going to at least go talk to someone at the Department of Families here in town.  I realize there are cultural differences and I know I’m super sensitive to this stuff, but I am concerned for these children and I couldn’t live with myself if I did nothing.
  23. I haven’t decided whether I’m going to try to stay here in Puerto Morelos.
  24. Which seems odd since I can’t imagine going anywhere else at this point.
  25. Except to Ft. Collins, Colorado, because that is where my awesome Aunt (and related family members!) and my son are — but what would I do there?
  26. What am I going to do here?
  27. The truth is that I have tons of ideas of things to do here (or things that can be done from anywhere, so I could live in several places) but it seems that I have absolutely no motivation to make any of those things actually happen.
  28. I’m working on trying to understand why I’m so lacking in motivation.
  29. It’s not pretty and it’s part of why I’m having trouble writing.
  30. Because then I would probably have to say out loud what is really going on.
  31. And then I would probably need to get back into therapy ASAP.
  32. Which would be better than being paralyzed and sitting on the fence, most likely.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  for those of you trying to live your lives vicariously through me (you know who you are!)  i’m sad to say that you’ve probably made the wrong choice….  there’s just not a lot of hot action around these parts, if you know what i mean!

p.p.s.  ok, here’s the deal, the nice man who i mentioned previously (a) was not all that interested after all, and (b) had to leave town.

p.p.p.s.  nonetheless the Moratorium is still OVER, so there’s that.  😉

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10 Comments

Filed under grief, My Big Book of Me

10 responses to “When all else fails, write a list, right? Here are 32 mostly true things about me, right now.

  1. Randomly brilliant and brilliantly random.

  2. Sue T

    Hi, Kim, as always I am more cheerful when I see you’ve got a new post … it’s not that it doesn’t matter what you write, it’s that it’s always so quirky and real and resonant.

    In the last 3 weeks, I have suddenly/finally/surprisingly got motivation to do some of the things I need to do and/or want to do. And I am starting to work on doing them, imperfectly but fairly steadily. It only took 2 1/2 years. (I don’t remember if I told you that my Mom died in 2009.) I don’t know why it took so long. I do know some of why things have changed for me, although not all. Besides, people vary. Still, I am fairly certain you are allowed to take as long as it takes.

    By the way, good luck with #22, good for you!

    • kim

      People vary! That is a Havi-ism, isn’t it?!

      Thanks for writing, Sue and Yay for you!

      I can’t believe how much better I feel after writing even this little post. Why is it so hard to do the thing I love to do the most? Grrrr. Writing…

      xoxo
      kim

  3. I really just want to move to Cancun & write lists. I’m sure it would be more interesting than my life now.

  4. Sue T

    Thanks for the link! Looks like a beautiful place.

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