But it isn’t visible, hello…..there’s a Moratorium in progress…..
However, true to form, I got ummmm, bored (or horny or lonely or, whatever) this weekend and decided to just take a little peeksy at the current inventory of men.
I know. But it is fun to just look! And if you haven’t ever looked, you really need to. It’s a laugh riot, honestly. You would NOT believe the shit people write about themselves and/or the ridiculous pictures they put up for the world to see. You would also not believe how many people cannot spell. At all. And don’t even get me started on basic grammar issues….
As I was perusing Match the other night, I took a look at my carefully crafted (to death) profile.
What a load of crap!
I mean, it’s not like I made shit up when I wrote the profile, but I was clearly in a more positive headspace (and different life circumstances) than I am in, well, right this minute. The chick that wrote that profile sounded almost perky.
I’m a lot of things right now, but perky is not one of them.
If I were to write my profile today, and if I were going to be completely honest, it would go something like this:
Oh hey, you may be new to online dating, but I’m not! I’ve been doing this shit on and off for, like, 10 years….which some might conclude is evidence that it doesn’t work, but what the fuck else is there to do? Leave my house? Whatever.
Here’s what I’m pretty good at: fellatio. (EDITORIAL NOTE: It is important to lead with your strengths….) And other sex stuff. And I’m pretty funny when I want to be. Other times I can be a stone-cold bitch and/or irrational emotional wreck. Other than that the picture is, well, grim. I mean, I’m reasonably attractive and all, but I could lose about 20 pounds. So there’s that…. Oh, I am a lawyer, but I’m not working right now – mid-life crisis – plus I’m taking care of my sick mother (who I live with!) which is great because my son just graduated from high school and is going to college next year with, as far as I can tell, imaginary money….. The good news is that my schedule is flexible 🙂 Except when my Mom needs me which can happen at any time, honestly. Also, she thinks anyone would be crazy to want to have anything to do with me right now, so she would be super supportive if we started dating and would never do anything weird, like call incessantly if we were out “too late” at night. What else…..I’m not a great cook, I guess. I don’t really know because I haven’t really tried all that much. I can clean house. That is all I’m gonna say about that….
What else? Oh, I read a lot. And not all of it is hoity-toity “literary” stuff. Also, if you must know, it turns out that I’m an introvert. (No, it isn’t contagious) Which is weird, because I used to act a lot like an extrovert. But now I’m an introvert. This doesn’t mean I have no social skills and am a weirdo…I do and I’m not. It does mean that I need “alone time” to even function, for God’s sake. Really alone. Alone! Which explains why I’m looking for a relationship on the internet….
Anyway. I’ve lived in Colorado pretty much my whole life, so, naturally, I don’t ski, hike, kayak, camp, mountain bike, rock climb, run trails, or any of the other ridiculous shit every single other person in Colorado seems to do every fucking minute. Not that I wouldn’t like to try this stuff, well, some of this stuff. Anyway, it turns out to be a good thing that I’m not obsessed with “nature” and “sports” because it means my life won’t change much after I have my hysterectomy next month. And then go on hormones that promise to whack me out for a year or two + make my face (more) hairy. Did I mention I like to read? I also like to watch Forensic Files, all of the Real Housewives shows, except RH of Atlanta, Teen Mom, Say Yes to the Dress, Hoarders: Buried Alive, etc. I might have watched a few seasons of The Bachelor. My favorite color is purple. I have an iPad. Mostly I use it for Boggle. Sometimes I snore. I’m ugly when I cry and I often snort when I laugh. I’m kind of a big deal on the internet, on account of my internationally recognized blog. That keeps me pretty busy and I plan on using whatever tragic or ridiculous thing that happens between us as material for my writing. So, you know, you’ve been warned.
In a nutshell, if you’re looking for a financially unstable woman with only a vague idea about what she is going to do to make actual money for the rest of her life, and who, in addition to that, lives with her sick mother, needs to lose weight and appears to be a shut-in with a great sense of humor and an unnatural gift for fellatio, I’m your gal!
I would love to meet a man who is reasonably good-looking, likes sex, isn’t a moron, and isn’t obsessed with his car/motorcycle/mountain bike/body/age. Or anything else. It would be awesome if he had been divorced/out of a relationship for more than 10 minutes and/or his wife hadn’t just died last month. (I have the internet and I know how to use it — don’t lie about shit that is in public records, dudes). He has to be hilarious or at least super funny. And he should enjoy snappy banter with a feisty, over-educated woman. Note that I said “woman”, singular. The guy I’m interested in won’t be trying to date everyone with a vagina on Match.com, and, because it actually does need to be said explicitly: He isn’t currently “in” a relationship. To avoid any “misunderstanding” gentlemen, if someone else thinks you’re still married to/in a relationship with/living with her, you are, in fact, “in” a relationship regardless of whatever the fuck YOU want to call it…. Shall we move on?
It would be cool if he had a nice dog, I like dogs. I mean, I don’t want to take care of his dog when he’s out of town or anything sweet like that, I just would be nice to the dog. This perfect guy isn’t afraid to spend time a-l-o-n-e and doesn’t need to be entertained 24/7. He doesn’t go out to places just to be seen going out to those places. He knows how to hang the fuck out. He doesn’t need the TV on all the time. He reads things that aren’t solely related to politics, pornography or sports. He probably hates George W. Bush, et al. He needs to be smart — not so smart that I can’t understand a word he says, but smart smart. And he doesn’t feel the need to prove he is smart by making me look stupid. Call me crazy, but it’s hard for me to feel like I want to get nekkid with someone who makes me feel like a stupid ass. And, as long as we’re describing the perfect guy for me right now, let me add that he likes to kiss and show affection. (unless, of course, I’m crabby and don’t want to be touched) He doesn’t take forever to respond to emails because he’s trying to write something pithy or intelligent-sounding and/or he has a “rule” about how long to wait before responding to an email. He doesn’t ask questions during movies that neither of us has seen. He doesn’t do that hot/cold thing. (Which is rude for one thing and juvenile for another….) He likes to eat regular food. He might even like to cook it. He likes to fool around on the couch. He has a tool belt. He’s nice to his mother, or at least he isn’t mean to her. He plays Scrabble, and doesn’t freak out if he loses. He doesn’t hate women. He isn’t secretly gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, except for the fact that I don’t have a penis and don’t like surprises of that nature….) He likes the mountains and the ocean, but mostly the ocean. He dives or would be willing to try diving. He knows something about cars. He’s irreverent and politically incorrect. Probably a little contradictory. He doesn’t even have to be entirely emotionally stable, that can get boring. He doesn’t quote Caddyshack incessantly, still. He thinks it’s cool that I want to be (am?) a writer. He probably has kids and they are probably mostly grown up, like mine. Which suggests that he may have some actual time to hang with me. But not a lot of time, because, you know, the introvert thing. He likes God, but isn’t obsessed.
OMG. I crack myself up. And I make myself want to cry.
Could you imagine if I actually put this up on Match? I’m kind of tempted to do it and see what happens….
What if everyone was this blatantly honest? Would it make it easier to find someone “special”? It is kind of refreshing to put all your shit out on the table up front and say “Here’s me, yo…” But would I really want to meet the man who would look at my shit and say “hmmmm, sounds good on paper!” (The answer to that is, at this point, “probably”….)
In case you’re wondering, yes, it has occurred to me that I may never have a date again if I publish this post on the worldwide interweb and/or Match.com.
p.s. are you as shocked as i am about my blatant use of the term “fellatio” in this post? if you’re my mom or my son, ummm, sorry 🙂