Remember when Sue, the pretend-Buddha iguana who lives on my wall, disappeared for a few days and then acted like nothing happened?
And I think I know what it was.
(and I’m pretty sure it was casual, motherfucker)
Yep. Sue was out fucking around and now my backyard looks like a miniature Jurassic Park.
There are little iguana babies all over the place, skittering around on the ground, scaring the shit out of me and then hiding under the vegetation. Which is probably pretty smart, since the birds seem to have noticed that they are here and would like to make a meal out of them.
I’ve tried to photograph them, but they are fast and my dang iPhone camera (and/or it’s operator) is s-l-o-w.
Just trust me. There are a lot.
And what is Sue doing about this new development?
Just hanging on the wall, being all chill, ignoring me and his (her?) children.
I, for one, don’t think there’s anything “zen” about neglecting your children (or your friend Kim) Sue. Where’s the loving kindness in that?
(I realize that I just confused Buddhism with Zen-stuff, but I’ve been drinking and I can’t sort it all out right now.)
I’m starting to doubt Sue’s buddha-nature.
I’m also starting to doubt my ability to write anything that doesn’t involve a (surprise!) LIST.
IT’S THURSDAY AND THE LAST DAY OF MAY AND I’M WRITING A LIST, DAMMIT:
1. How the fuck is it the last day of May? Didn’t we just finish February? I don’t understand time.
2. If it’s the last day of May, then it is practically the 6th of June, which will mark 6 whole months since my artistic genius mom (with great hair) passed away. And here is where time gets weird again. I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel like it happened a lifetime ago. I feel like it never happened. I feel like I’m still dreading the fact that it will happen. I’m sad. Every part of me is sad. My hair is sad. My toenails are sad. My bones are sad.
3. And I’m a little happy. Well. EXTREMELYHappy/Sad. My brother and his wife (who I love) are having a baby ANY DAY NOW! Aren’t babies amazing? I always say that I can’t imagine ever loving another human being as much as I love my son, but my feelings for my brilliant niece Madison Grace come pretty darn close and my uterus is practically contracting in love for this new baby. I’m serious. I LOVE this baby. I can’t wait to meet him/her and touch its little toes and kiss its little head and whisper “welcome to the world, baby – we already love you so much!” And I can’t wait for my brother to get to experience this kind of love. Primal love. It’s such a gift. Sigh….
4. I was living in Denver and my sister was living in Atlanta when Madison was born. She didn’t want me to come visit her right away when she had Madison, but when I heard that she was in labor and having a hard time (or maybe I imagined that part, I just couldn’t stand the thought of her in pain and none of us there with her)(even though her husband is amazing and totally capable STILL, I’m the seester) I left Denver in the middle of the night and flew to Atlanta. And then I promptly forgot everything I knew about babies. Seriously. I was absolutely NO help at all. I would like to think that I helped a little bit and that my sister was glad that I was there, but really, I think that I was more trouble than help. STILL. It seems like a representative of each family should be there to welcome the baby into the world, right?
5. And now I’m in Mexico and my brother is in Los Angeles and they have said that I’m welcome to come anytime but I’m afraid to go because of the Madison debacle. And I really really really really want to go. So. We will see what happens. My next blog post may be from L-fucking-A, y’all.
6. Or it could be from here, because I can’t seem to leave. I look at flights and then I don’t buy a ticket about twice a day. I know I have to leave.
7. I also need to start working on the Celebration of Life we are having on July 14 (Mom’s birthday) in Lamar, CO. We had a party for her here in Puerto Morelos in February and lots of family members were able to attend, but many more family and friends will be able to attend the party in Colorado in July. Which is why it feels like her “FUNERAL”. Which, it turns out, is why I had a major breakdown yesterday when there were some rumblings within the family about how maybe we should, ummm, start planning for this huge party we are hosting. I lost it. Completely. I wanted to plan it and I didn’t want to plan it. I was resentful and bitchy and I couldn’t even figure out what I was feeling or why. And then I realized that none of what I was feeling was even about who was going to be doing the planning. I just don’t want it to be planned. At all. Because I don’t want it to happen. Because I don’t want her to be dead. And maybe the fact that we haven’t had a “FUNERAL” has somehow allowed me to continue to be in denial about the fact that she is really gone.
8. Maybe this limbo that I’m in is also contributing to my inability to make any kind of decision about my future. I’m not done taking care of my sweet mommy so I don’t have to think about taking care of me. And so the party in July isn’t just huge in terms of letting Mom go, it’s huge in terms of “now what?” for me.
9. So. My friend Steve says that the little creatures that I thought were baby iguanas are not baby iguanas. He thinks they are geckos. He is wrong. They are totally not geckos. But I have to admit that it’s possible that they aren’t iguanas, either. But I refuse to rewrite the beginning of this post, mostly because I’m still kind of pissed at Sue for disappearing like that and I like to think of him as a philanderer.
10. This post would have been done approximately 10 hours ago but Steve the pretend “iguana expert” dropped by to drop off something and then we ended up going grocery shopping, chatting, drinking wine, chatting, watching the world go by on the front porch, chatting, having another friend stop by, chatting…… and that is just part of the reason why I love it here. People just stop by and then adventures happen and more people stop by. It’s not great for productivity, but it is great for, you know, LIFE.
p.s. since i couldn’t get a picture of the baby iguanas (or whatever), the picture is of their environment – the side yard of the casa. isn’t it cute?
p.p.s. i suck at drinking early in the day. that is why this post is going up so late. i had to take a nap after the drinking.