I’m staring at the keyboard and it’s staring right back at me. It’s a motherfucking impasse y’all. Time to write about sex.

I’ve been staring at the keyboard for, ummm, hours.

And it’s been staring right back at me.

The keyboard is strongly suggesting that I “write something already”.

I’m politely suggesting that the keyboard can kiss my sweet ass.

It seems we have arrived at an impasse.

A stalemate.  A standstill.  A good old-fashioned standoff.

(Oh the drama…..)

Well.  We were at an impasse.  Then I decided that I wanted to write something.  And I decided that my decision to write something has nothing to do with the fact that the keyboard has been taunting me mercilessly.

Win/win.

(ha)

Oh alright.  The keyboard totally won.

Fuck.

Now what?

How about a list!

THINGS THAT I’M THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE GOOD TO WRITE ABOUT IF I WERE MOTIVATED TO WRITE AN ACTUAL BLOG POST, WHICH I’M NOT.

  1. I’m all twitterpated because the Moratorium is officially over and there’s a nice man here who might be a little bit sweet on me. (Note:  yes, Virginia, “twitterpated” is a real word, mostly.)
  2. Is it just me or does being on a beach make everyone horny?
  3. Honestly (as I’ve mentioned previously) it isn’t the beach, it’s the ocean.  And it isn’t just the ocean, it’s any body of water.
  4. Rain also puts me in the mood.
  5. Snow is also fun.
  6. So there it is, all precipitation turns me on.
  7. OMG am I having my sexual peak right now?
  8. Oh, who am I kidding.  I’ve been having my peak since I was 17 16.  (One benefit of being an orphan at 47 is that you don’t have to pretend you didn’t mess around as a teenager.)(Not that my parents harbored any illusions that I was a sweet, demure girl.)(Plus I told them I was sleeping with my boyfriend at age 17, because I was POSITIVE we were going to get married.  Reasonable, right?)(That might have been the date of my Dad’s first heart attack… we will never know.)
  9. Hmmmm, there seems to be a theme developing here…
  10. Anyway.  So it’s fun to be twitterpated, but here’s the thing, I’m living in an episode of “The Bachelor”…  Seriously, there are about 10 American/Canadian women and 1000 Mexican women for every single, decent, person with a penis in this town. 
  11. And this is a resort town. 
  12. A small resort town.
  13. So why would a guy who has his pick of hundreds of attractive, tan and horny women “settle down” with just one of them for any length of time?
  14. Vacation romances are awesome, but what do you do when you live in the vacation spot and maybe want more than a vacation romance?
  15. Not that there’s anything wrong with vacation romances.
  16. I mean, 12 years ago I had the vacation romance to end all vacation romances.  My friends affectionately refer to it as my “vacation romance on steroids”.  It was awesome and, ultimately, a sad chapter in my life.  It probably should have just stayed a vacation romance.  On a lighter note, I would never have found Puerto Morelos without that vacation romance, so there.
  17. I have no idea what I’m trying to say here.
  18. Yes, I do.
  19. Am I up for a vacation romance?
  20. That is the question.
  21. Probably!
  22. That is the answer.
  23. That Moratorium lasted a long time….
  24. Here’s another thing:  When one is a blogger who talks about shit like “What if I told the truth on my Match.com profile?” and “I’m depressed and grieving and probably crazy“,  and “Oh yeah, I’m having a relationship with a pretend-Buddha iguana who doesn’t know I’m alive” — when exactly does one roll out the fact that they write a blog chock-full of intensely personal shit to a potential love interest?
  25. Fuck!
  26. Probably “never” is the right answer, which means “Right away!!” in “Kim’s world”…. 🙂
  27. Also.
  28. Probably not a great idea to brag (in a very public forum, i.e., your practically- internationally- famous blog) that you’re awesome at anything, much less fellatio.
  29. Note to self:  Remember how it’s good to under-promise and over-perform?  Yeah.  This bragging thing is a problem, at least in theory. (wink-wink)(OMG there I go again!)(oh, for god’s sake, this is entertainment, yall.  not “the truth”.)(supposedly).
  30. Jesus Christ, what have I done here today?

xoxoxo

kim

p.s.  all y’all are awesome.  thank you for your kind comments/notes on my last blog post.  i love the internet and you people who somehow found me and don’t mind that i say “fuck” a lot.

p.p.s.  my smarty-pants “English Teacher” cousin told me that “p.s.s.” isn’t even a thing.  it’s “p.p.s.” whatever.  🙂

p.p.p.s.  i still have no plan (no Plan A and no Plan B) but my tan is really coming along!

p.p.p.p.s.  please tell me i’m not the only one who says “twitterpated” (or thinks it?)

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4 Comments

Filed under Things My Son Shouldn't Read, Writing and Not-Writing

4 responses to “I’m staring at the keyboard and it’s staring right back at me. It’s a motherfucking impasse y’all. Time to write about sex.

  1. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed your blog!Thank you for cheering me up, and making me realize that I’m not the only one in the world who thinks along these lines. I find them viable points to consider. And yes, upon occasion, I have used the word “twitterpated” though I think in today’s generation it takes a totally different meaning than it used to it the past. I think in the current generation it means something along the lines of a “short-lived romance on Twitter” if there is such a thing. Anyway, great blog!

  2. Annie

    Thanks for making me lol 😉 haven’t heard that word in a long time. love you!

  3. Sue T

    Ha! I used “twitterpated” this week in responding to a cousin’s Facebook post about how the chickadees were flitting about her yard so enthusiastically even though it’s not even officially Spring yet in Puyallup, WA.

    So, are you twitterpated because of the Moratorium being over, or the particular man? … or truly both? Would it make a Difference?!!! 🙂

    Happy Spring, dear Kim!

  4. alexandra halandras mason

    oh, just love it Kim! and, yes! twitterpated is definately a word in my dictionary! Wonder if it’s a “meeker” thing??? mmmm…Well, sounds like you are in a wonderfully interesting place..mentally and physically. i tend to have a thing for Latin lovers myself…and “bad boys” unfortunately. I am currently on hiatus and in social solitary isolation up here taking care of my Grandmother. think it might be wonderful to just live through your writing! lol!

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