We now return to our regularly scheduled program of me beating up on myself. Oh joy.

I hate my brain.

Not the part that is keeping me alive and that allows me to read and write and walk and hear and talk.  That part is fine.  I hate the part that just keeps chattering away about every single little thing and finds fault with pretty much everything I do and/or don’t do and/or think about doing.

Believe it or not, I ‘ve actually gotten 1000% better at disengaging from the uber-talkative part of my brain that is crazy and hates me thanks to the amazing book, “The Untethered Soul” and my therapist Carolyn (who recommended the book and is, well, awesome).

 HOWEVER

I find myself unable to disengage from it today, when the topic seems to be:

THINGS YOU WERE GOING TO DO WHILE IN MEXICO VS. THINGS THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING, A DISAPPOINTING COMPARISON, KIM.

Heavy sigh.

Things I thought I would be doing while in Mexico included the following inspiring and motivational and healing things:

  • Writing.  A lot.  Every day.
  • Doing yoga — on the beach, in the square, at one of the 8,000 yoga studios in town, including the one pretty much right across the street.
  • Eating only healthy foods and refraining from alcohol.
  • Engaging in brilliant brainstorming sessions which would lead to a wonderful vision/plan for my life ahead.
  • Walking the streets of Puerto Morelos befriending the locals.
  • Walking the beaches of Puerto Morelos and thereby discovering myself, like all those women in all those books about women discovering themselves by the sea….
  • Snorkeling.
  • Did I mention writing?
  • Reading literary fiction because, hey, I’m trying to be literary, right?
  • Practicing Shiva Nata — I can’t explain it here, see the link.
  • Going on adventures to find hidden beaches with lovely beach trash and thereby finding myself, see above re: women finding themselves on beaches/by the sea.
  • Frolicing in cenotes — perhaps ziplining across them to show how I’ve conquered some fears.
  • Having a visionquest.  Whatever that means.

Things I have actually done while in Mexico include the following mostly meaningless and pedestrian things:

  • Began and ended a relationship with Sue, the pretend-Buddha iguana, who was completely unaware of our relationship status at all times.
  • Somehow avoided doing yoga, despite the fact that it’s available pretty much 24/7 everywhere in town.
  • Read a bunch of zombie novels (a/k/a NOT LITERARY FICTION)
  • In keeping with the zombie theme I watched 1.5 seasons of  The Walking Dead, my new favorite TV series EVER.
  • Watched the first season of an American Horror Story — yikes!
  • May have watched a few Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episodes….
  • Barely blogged.
  • Obsessively read everything I could find about Whitney Houston’s death. 
  • Walked into the ocean a few times.  Kind of swam.
  • Watched a few movies.
  • Eaten meat, fattening food, Diet Coke and yummy alcoholic beverages.
  • Got the electricity in the house turned back on, got cable/internet hooked up, had laundry room torn down and rebuilt (roof caved-in sometime between November 20 and January 19), prepared for and hosted Mom’s non-memorial service/party, had houseguests for a week, had the rotting front fence torn down and replaced with a nice wall + gates rebuilt, had propane tank refilled, located septic system for potential hook-up with new city sewer system…
  • Watched a lot of  TED talks.
  • Helped to prepare for and volunteered at local charity bazaar.  Delivered leftover clothes to church in colonia.
  • Started a Zazzle store (which hasn’t been opened to the public yet) for some of Mom’s artwork.
  • Read some other non-literary fiction books.
  • Researched things like “freelance writing” and “travel writing” and “teaching english as a second language” and “how to make money from anywhere”…
  • Walked the beach a few mornings — the local beach, not a hidden adventure type beach.
  • Went to a girlfriend’s house and watched the new episode of The Bachelor last Monday night.  (Which is totally dumb because I already know who “wins” and surprise!  it’s the bitchy girl who everyone else hates!  Go figure.)

 And that’s about it.

I’ve had no grand epiphanies.  No great revelations of my life’s purpose. 

I’ve been here 5 weeks (as of today) and I’m pretty much exactly the same confused, sad, grieving person who arrived here on January 19.

Actually, I’m worse.

When I got here, I believed that my Mom’s estate would be a source of funds for my immediate future — not a lot of money, but enough to survive until I got back on my feet after not working for a year.  A week after the non-memorial service/party we found out that, due to an unfavorable court decision, there is no money in my Mom’s estate.  Zero.  Probably less than zero after everything settles out as there are no funds and her two houses to maintain + medical bills pending.

I’ve got no income, no savings, no assets left to sell, no retirement plan to raid.

I hate to sound all negative-newt-ish, but I gotta say that I’m feeling pretty fucked right now.  Oh, and my son is in his first year of college.

So.

Total panic and paralyzing fear have taken over for grief and depression.

And that might explain why I’m not out discovering myself on a deserted beach right now.

Maybe tomorrow.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  wow.  heavy shit.  when i started writing, i didn’t know i was going to end up here, in the darkest of the dark.

p.s.s.  i’m not suicidal, nor am i homeless (for now)(but really, my family will help) but i am scared and right now i don’t see the way out.

p.s.s.s.  for the love of god, please don’t write and tell me to think positive and that this lack of a job/money/home/future is really just an opportunity for growth.  it’s scary as fuck.

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4 Comments

Filed under grief, The Caregiver with the Dragon Tattoo, Writing and Not-Writing

4 responses to “We now return to our regularly scheduled program of me beating up on myself. Oh joy.

  1. It IS scary, especially when all our minds can come up with is worst-case scenarios. Sending love and hugs your way.

  2. Sue T

    Scary, indeed. Terrifying, I’d say. Eek! I think it’s pretty amazing that you’ve been able to do all that stuff you mentioned. (… amazing in a good way, like you rock!)

    Plus, diversion by means of TV can be pretty useful when one otherwise feels much like hiding in a corner.

    Hugs and heart-sighs, dear Kim.

  3. annie hence the annieoops3... oops 1 kid oops 2 kids ooops3 kids.... :)

    check your email lady! just know your not alone… go lay on the beach tomorrow.. walk on the beach…. go for a fricken run! find your happy place! it could be yoga… don’t do the HOT! 🙂 take care kim! oxox

  4. Amanda

    Hug, hug, hug (or offers thereof)…

    I have to say — after a long period of silencing myself for unrelated reasons! — You are so strong. I totally believe in you… and I believe in the secret hidden powers and resources of your lovely, inspiring self. 🙂

    Sometimes, we just need what we need. And that can include resistance and TV-vegging-out — been there, *so* much. Grief is hard, hard stuff … My heart is just going out to you right now.

    It might sound really silly, but I wish I could send you a shiny present, full of unfaltering permission to give yourself what you need. And perhaps it would also contain an intricate little box that sent out qualities when you might want them — peace, trust, hope… like little wisps of fresh, clear air to infuse your surroundings.

    Maybe slightly-future-you — or a stand-in — might have a few words or ideas for you?

    I’m wishing you skyfuls of spaciousness, and endless comfort that’s there for you whenever you look…

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