inner dialogue

I’m taking a writing class.  This might lead some people to believe that this means I’m now “writing!”……ummmm, no.  My people, the people who know me and live in awe of my superhuman ability to procrastinate and evade all that isn’t, for lack of a better word, “easy”, know better.  I’m soooooooooo not writing.  It’s not even passive not-writing at this point.  Now I’m intentionally not-writing.  Why?  Well for one thing, and this will be covered in its very own blog post, I suffer from “demand resistance”.  Or, as I like to call it, my inner “fuck you”.  Illustration:  Oh, YOU think I SHOULD do [insert the thing I’m supposed to be doing] and you’re a little bit JUDGY (is that a word?) about it……well, even though I am fully aware that I should be doing [the thing I’m supposed to be doing] and, not only that, I know I would be happier/healthier/etc. if I would just DO THE THING already, I’m NOT going to do it.  In other words, fuck you. [insert fake smile].  The other thing keeping me from writing is good old f-e-a-r, but I don’t even have to get to that issue as long as my inner “fuck you” is alive and well.

Anyway.  The assignment that I’m not-writing this week is to write some dialogue.  I’m fairly positive that the instructor intended for us to write about two or more actual people having a conversation, but, I thought it would be more interesting to write about the conversation between the chicks in my head – Kim, kimmy, and Kimberly Ann – right after they found out about this assignment.  Enjoy:

Kim:  Shit.  Did she seriously just tell us to write dialogue? 

kimmy: (languishing on the purple velvet chaise smiling up at the scantily clad servant boy feeding her grapes)  How fun! let’s write something naughty…..”kim” he murmured, as he trailed his finger down her….”

Kimberly Ann:  (turning her mind’s eye towards kimmy and, slowly, rolling it) Oh, here we go …… we are absolutely NOT writing anything naughty — are we romance writers now?  Why do you always have to go there?  (turning towards Kim now) I’m very uncomfortable with her (pointing directly at kimmy) boundaries. 

kimmy:  (still smiling up at servant boy) You’re SUCH a bitch.

Kimberly Ann: (continuing to look at Kim with an earnest expression and using a very reasonable voice)  We can’t write dialogue.  We don’t even know what it is!  We need to find some books that will tell us how to write dialogue before we can even begin to think about complying with this crazy instructor’s wishes.  Furthermore, we will NOT hand in anything that is less than perfect.  Which means, as you know, we should probably just not-write it.  Learn about it, YES!  Write about it? Noooooo. (shaking head)

Kim:  (hits forehead with right hand and then assumes the “hands on the hips” stance)  WTF?  Am I tri-polar now?  Just skipped right over the bi-polar thing…”too easy”….and went straight into something resembling multiple personality disorder??  This is fucking ridiculous….. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?? (turning to admire the servant boy) and where the fuck did HE come from?  Is he even old enough to be here?  We have a teen-age son people…..!

Kimberly Ann: (looking around to see if anyone noticed the f-bomb and adjusting her pantyhose….)  DON’T CUSS!  It’s not professional and, further, it is beneath us.  If you keep cussing AND writing about cussing or cuss-writing or whatever, people are not going to talk to you or read your blog!  As for him (gesturing dismissively at servant boy) you ladies are on your own, I hereby disclaim any responsibility for his presence here.  That being said, I strongly advise checking his i.d.

kimmy(reluctantly sitting up and eyeing Kim)  I don’t give a shit if you cuss, but honey do NOT act like you don’t know who we are…..that is just rude….

 do you want a grape?  (sly smile)

Kim:  (head in hands)  Totally. 

Kimberly Ann:  (turning to walk away) Don’t EVEN think I don’t know that we just wrote some pseudo-dialogue.  I’m a lot of things, but I am not stupid.




p.s.  turns out the servant boy was at least 35.



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11 responses to “inner dialogue

  1. Stan

    Having met all three of you, I can totally picture that conversation.
    (Good stuff Tempel)

  2. Very successful non-writing endeavor. I hardly noticed the dialogue at all. 🙂

    • kim

      Lisa (LYMama): This non-writing can be kind of fun! I hope you check out my links to and and become inspired to become a famous author and speaker. I know you’re famous here, but I think you need to share your yoga mama gift with everyone else! Just a thought…….

  3. Wade Livingston

    It think this would make a great movie. for the soundtrack – Diana Krall’s “Peel Me A Grape”

    • kim

      Actually, Wade, I was singing Blossom Dearie’s (sp?) version in my head: “peel me a grape, crush me some ice….” “hop when i holler, skip when i snap, i say ‘do it’, jump to it”….is that the same song?

  4. Pingback: talking (politely, for the most part) to the wall. | avoiding my Brilliant Writing Career

  5. Claire P

    I thought I was the only one who said Judgy!!!
    Judgy is totally a word.
    PS: yes, I’m laughing/POIGNANT laughing at the rest but judgy really tickled me. 🙂

    • kim


      I don’t know how I missed this awesome comment?!? Judgy IS totally a word! I’m so glad we agree, and, therefore it IS. I saw your comment on Havi’s site — I did not know one could get tonsilitis when they don’t have tonsils. That seems wrong. Boo for that. Yay for the job though! I’m in Portland getting ready to Rally! beginning tomorrow. I’m so excited. I will probably need to come to Australia to explain to you how freakin’ fabulous it is/was…. 😉

      Hope you feel better soon.


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