I’ve been working on this post for, like, EVER and I just can’t get it written.
Probably because it’s about me and (gasp!) sex. The casual kind. If there even is such a thing, which I am starting to doubt.
What does “casual sex” even mean? Less formal sex? Sex with strangers? Sport fucking? Recreational sex? Is one of these terms an umbrella term for the others? What are the subcategories? Who decides that the sex is going to be casual? At what point can formerly casual sex become non-casual sex? Or vice versa?
Can you see how being a lawyer makes everything more difficult?
It’s hard to write about this topic — I now live in a very small town and people are starting to read this blog (which is awesome and also EEK! vulnerable!) and every once in awhile my amazing son Austin takes a peek (can you say “awkward”?) — but if this blog is about my “JOURNEY” or whatever, then it would be pretty weird to, like, never speak about sex. I’ve been single a looooooong time, people. And I’m not dead. Sex is an issue.
And casual sex is an issue because (a) I’m me, and my libido sometimes works faster than my brain and (b) I suck at it, pretty much and (c) I always forget that I suck at it until after I’ve done it.
Here’s how it typically (but not always) plays out with the girls in my brain — you remember them, right — kimmy, Kim and Kimberly:
kimmy: “Woo-Hoo! He’s cute/brilliant/funny/got a cute dog, let’s get naked!”
Kim: “Oh fuck – please tell me we aren’t wearing those damn granny panties again tonight… Where’s the bathroom?”
Kimberly: “Listen up SLUTS — are you fucking serious right now? You want to get busy with this loser? I can’t even see what he looks like on account of all the HUGE RED FLAGS surrounding him. You know, the ones that say [insert red flaggy things like “Probable Drug Addict” or “I’m 20 years older/younger than you” or “Sure, I’m Single (tonight)” and/or “Fuck Me, Everyone Else Has!” or “I May Look 30/40/50 but I’m Really 13” or “Hi, My Name Is Bob (my name isn’t Bob)” or “The Tin Foil Protects Me From Aliens!” or “I Only Talk About Me!” or “I Can’t Wait to Tell The Guys At the Bar About This!” or “You’re Buying, Baby!”]
kimmy: “You’re hallucinating, Kimberly. I don’t see anything except those beautiful blue/brown/green eyes and did you even see his lips? Why are our clothes still on? Let’s go, girls!”
Kim: “She’s got a point about his lips, Kimberly…. I can’t stop looking at them. I think I’m hypnotized.”
Kimberly: “Look away from his lips, Kim! Jesus, this is getting out of hand. Who the fuck ordered the margaritas?!”
kimmy: “I love margaritas! Are the granny panties gone yet?”
Kim: “Oh shit, the lips are moving and they are saying sweet things. Can’t. Look. Away. I need to bite that bottom lip. Come ON Kimberly, can’t you throw caution to the wind just this one little time?”
kimmy: “Why are you even talking to her, Kim? She never wants to have any fun. I think she is frigid. She fucking enjoyed the year-long Moratorium. How is she even related to us?
Kim: “She’s got a point, Kimberly. You do seem frigid.”
Kimberly: “One of us has to be frigid…. Listen, we don’t even know this joker — does he even have a name yet, sluts? This is a VERY BAD IDEA. No good can come from this. We will have a teensy little bit of fun and then what? NOTHING. That’s what.”
kimmy: “What if it’s a LOT of fun? Why does anything else have to come of it? Why can’t we just have fun? Honestly I don’t even care what his name is. What does it matter? It’s not like we are looking for a “RELATIONSHIP”…. (she shudders)
Kim: “Did you see his hands? This could definitely be a LOT of fun. (tearing her eyes away from him and turning to Kimberly) I kind of agree with kimmy — I mean, I do think we should probably get his name, but beyond that, what is the big deal? We’re single, we will be careful (she starts rummaging through her purse for condoms) he’s probably not a serial killer — why not go for it?”
Kimberly: “Nice. He’s probably not a serial killer…. Then of course we should have sex with him. I mean, if that is the criteria, why not?”
Kim: “Now you’re just being a bitch…. FOUND THEM! (holds up the box of condoms, which she has because she is CAREFUL, not because she is a NYMPHO)…. Have you even noticed the kissing? FIREWORKS!!!! Oh shit, now he’s kissing our neck…. come ON Kimberly, let’s play!”
Kimberly: “Yes. I noticed the kissing. (heavy sigh) Jesus, how do we get into these situations? He does have nice hands, BUT mark my words, sluts, it doesn’t matter that we’re not looking for a relationship, once this happens you guys will be all “oh, he’s so great, I wonder when he’s gonna call, I can’t wait to do it again, why hasn’t he called?” and then you guys are disappointed and then you regret everything.”
kimmy: “Can you guys shut up already? We’re busy, in case you haven’t noticed…..”
Kim: “Wow. Look at her go! (turning to Kimberly – who is pounding her head against the wall, while also trying to see what kimmy is up to) I feel like pounding your head against the wall is not helping anyone and is overly dramatic. It’s not the end of the world, Kimberly. It’s just sex. Let’s talk about it tomorrow (winks)”
—————— 24 Hours Later ——————-
kimmy: “Oh. My. God. That was amazing. What was his name again?”
Kim: (dreamily) “Bob…. his name was Bob….. Not that it matters, since there were so many red flags around him and he’s obviously entirely WRONG for us and we will probably never see him again……… but remember when he said we’re [insert sweet/insincere thing: “smart” or “pretty” or “hot” or “awesome” or “nice” or “interesting” or “funny” or “a lot of fun”] and remember how he asked for our phone number? That was soooooooooooooo sweet. Even though he will probably never call and that is FINE, because he is so obviously not someone we would ever be interested in. Ever.”
Kimberly: “Here we go.”
kimmy: “OUCH! I can barely MOVE, girlfriends! Bob was a maniac.
Kimberly: “Nice. Are you complaining or bragging,party girl?”
kimmy: “Both! I knew you had a sense of humor under there somewhere, Kimberly….Bobby-boy is very…. flexible… he might have a speech impediment, though, and did you see those sex faces? Too funny! ….”
Kim: “I wonder if I wrote the phone number down right? Sometimes my handwriting is not very legible. I should’ve put it directly into his phone, that’s how all the kids are doing it these days. Not that it matters, because I think it would just be weird if he called. I mean, why call? It’s not like we would go out with him again. We have absolutely nothing in common with him. He was a really good snuggler though, right? I mean, not every guy can snuggle for hours like that. That was nice. Oh, and remember how he said our hair smelled so good he couldn’t get enough of it? Sweet.”
kimmy: “I would totally fuck Bob again. Who cares if we have nothing in common, we’re totally not interested in a relationship, amirite?”
Kim: “That seems a little callous, kimmy…. He is a person, not just a piece of meat. Maybe we do have some things in common, you never know. It’s not like we covered a lot of ground before, you know.”
Kimberly: “What a surprise. Now we’re interested in Bob.”
Kim: “We are not interested, I’m just saying that he might not be as wrong for us as we originally thought….. were you not there for the snuggling, Kimberly? That is powerful shit. There was a connection there, I know it. Not that it matters, probably.”
Kimberly: “Um hmmmm.”
kimmy: “Dude, why are we waiting for Bob to call us? Let’s call him! I could totally go for another roll in the hay. Get while the gettin’s good, right?”
Kim: “She’s right, Kimberly. We should probably call him. I don’t want him to think that we were just using him for sex.”
Kimberly: “Remember when you justified sleeping with him because it was, and I quote “JUST SEX”?”
Kim: “Still. He doesn’t have to know that. It might make him feel bad?”
kimmy: “Are you on drugs? He’s a MAN. He would be thrilled to be used for sex.”
Kimberly: (mumbling) “Happens every time. Every. Single. Time.”
Kim: “It does not happen every time, THIS IS DIFFERENT! Remember no name in 2005? It didn’t happen that time.”
kimmy: “That was horrible sex and No Name turned out to be a stalker named Geronimo, of course it didn’t happen that time.”
Kim: “Thanks, kimmy (rolling her eyes) …. Who’s side are you on?”
kimmy: “Hey, I’m happy either way, I am just trying to keep you honest.”
Kimberly: “How refreshing.”
kimmy: “Zip it, Kimberly. Nobody likes a know-it-all.”
——– phone rings ——–
Kim: “IT’S BOB!!!!!!” (happy dancing)
kimmy: “Woo-Hoo! Round Two!” (rummaging through underwear drawer for cute, non-granny, panties”
Kimberly: “Fuck My Life.” (looking for vodka)
So. Yes. Casual sex is almost never entirely casual. At least for one of the chicks in my head…. 🙂
And it’s even LESS CASUAL if it happens more than once, regardless of the justifications set forth initially.
Is it different for men? I think it must be. And probably for some women. Some super-smart, independent, completely secure, MAN-HATING, women. Just kidding. They probably aren’t completely secure.
It’s an issue.
And I don’t plan on figuring it all out right here in the blog. At least not today. But your (NON-JUDGY) input would be greatly appreciated!
p.s. I love this:
p.p.s. I’m sure some of you are married and are either (a) scandalized or (b) titillated by this post. I’m sorry/you’re welcome. Just remember, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Being single can be fun. It can also be lonely and confusing and complicated. Sometimes marriage/relationships look like nirvana to me. I miss being close to someone.
p.p.p.s. You do remember that this is a blog and for entertainment purposes — some dramatic license has been taken. Like, for example, there was no No Name. In 2005.
p.p.p.s. Ohhhh, I feel the judginess coming my way……. YIKES!