The worst part about all this is that I’m *not* a lesbian.

get-angry-and-smash-patriarchy-1

*Dear Reader – I say “fuck’.  A lot.  Especially today.  Just a friendly warning!  Also, I’m ranting.  I don’t usually rant.  Well, sometimes I rant.  Non-ranting posts aplenty can be found in my archives over there on the right side of this page.  Kim”

The original title of this post was a somewhat uninspiring “Status Update.”

And the “update” was that I finally felt like writing enough to sit my ass down and start touching my fingers to the keyboard and making words after, like, 5 months of intense not-writing.

And then I felt a list coming on, and then I started the list, and then I started ranting and lamenting the fact that I am not a lesbian and, well, you can read it for yourself.

Anyway.

It appears that today is the day that I stop not-writing.

Yay?

List of Shit I’ve Been Doing and/or Thinking About Since the Last Time I Blogged:

1.  Becoming a Radical Feminist.

2.  So.  I’m not even really sure what “feminist” or “feminism” means to me, much less what it means to other people, but I think I’m becoming one.  A feminist.  FEMINIST.  Maybe even a Radical Feminist.  And I blame the Republican party for pushing me here.  Fuck them.  And really, fuck men.  Who put them in charge?  When was it ever a good idea to let men be in charge?  Maybe during our early existence on this planet when somehow they got better at fighting off predators?  MAYBE.  But then we should’ve reined them back in.  Because now we have zillions of years of being fucking burned at the stake and controlled and patronized and shamed and used and sidelined and double-standarded and, to top it off,  they’ve destroyed our planet.  Not alone, obviously.  But most major money grubbing asshole corporations are controlled by men and the governments who allow the destruction of their natural resources/our planet are primarily led by MEN.  But I digress…  Mostly they have just completely fucked and enslaved women, literally, for eons and now that we are finally inching out way out of it and into a more equal status quo, Republican men (and Republican women, who shouldn’t even EXIST, honestly) are going batshit crazy with rage at our audacity.  Fuck them.  Seriously.

3.  Yes, Mom, I appreciate the irony.  After years of teasing you about being a man-hater, it appears that I have finally seen what you were struggling with.  Not men, per se.  The entire fucking patriarchal system.   I’m sorry you’re not actually alive to say “I told you so, Kimmy!” in person, but believe me, I can hear you.  And I love you.  And I miss you.

4.  And I’m not a man-hater.  I love my son. (Even though he thinks he is a Republican right now, which, I have to say, is a bitter fucking pill to swallow.)  And a few other select men who haven’t been total assholes over the course of my life so far.  I love the possibility that better men will come out of this period in our cultural growth.

5.  I’m serious, I don’t hate men, generally.  But my level of tolerance for their bullshit is extremely fucking low at this point.

6.  Also, my hormones might be acting up.

7.  But fuck that!  Why do I have to apologize for having hormones?  I hate that I even felt like I had to throw that in.

8.  Exhibit A of how they have criminalized BEING A WOMAN.

9.  The worst part of all this is that I’m not a lesbian.  Yep, I’m annoyed out of my mind at fucking men and their fucking attitudes and total bullshit and yet I’m still attracted to them.  THEORETICALLY, I guess.  It’s been awhile since I’ve actually had that twitterpated feeling.  You know, the feeling which generally results in ill-advised casual sex that I rationalize that I can handle because I’m a modern woman unfettered by cultural bullshit expectations that I don’t really like sex and “shouldn’t” be having it outside of marriage and/or the possibility of a second fucking DATE.

10.  Oh.  And I should mention that part of my own personal Radical Feminism revolves around the fact that women have been complicit in our own doom.  We accept.  We ask for fucking permission.  We ostracize and belittle and shame other women who don’t fit into the entirely unrealistic (it turns out….) vision of the perfect woman that MEN have imposed upon us.  We don’t stand up for ourselves or other women.

11.  And the only way we succeed is by pretending to be men. “It’s a man’s world.”  “Don’t show your feelings!”  “Never let them see you sweat!”  And we do it.  WE DO IT.  And we still don’t get paid the same, treated the same, promoted the same.  And if, somehow, a miracle happens and we do succeed?  “She fucked her way to the top.”  “She’s a ball-breaker.”  “She’s a bitch.”  “Her poor children.”

12.  How am I not a lesbian?  Honestly.  If only it were a choice….. 🙂

13.  Deep breath.

14.  I didn’t know that whole “Radical Feminism” thing was coming when I started writing today, I promise.

15.  Well, I knew it was brewing.

16.  What else?

17.  Oh, in addition to becoming a Radical Feminist, or whatever, I went back to Colorado (Colorado!) for a few weeks.  It was AWESOME!  There’s nothing like being with family and old friends to ground you and remind you of who you are, who you were, unconditional love.  That is the hardest part (for me) about living so far away — no one here has known me for any length of time.  They only know the Kim whose life has totally changed in the last few years and who doesn’t know what the fuck she wants to do.  They don’t know Lawyer Kim who worked her ass off for years.  They don’t know Mommy Kim or Married Kim or Kim who lives in her own house, or Kim who drives her own car, or Kim who loves Prince (a/k/a College Kim!) or Kim with a house full of dogs and a cat named Max, who is the only cat she’s ever loved.  It’s ok.  It’s just weird.

18.  When I’m in Colorado, I want to move back there.  And when I’m here in Mexico, I can’t imagine leaving.  So there’s that.

19.  Which doesn’t make anything any easier.

20.  Thinking about moving back to Colorado made me consider the fact that I have pretty much the perfect situation right now, in many ways.  I have a job that, for the first time in many years, isn’t horrifically depressing and doesn’t take up my entire life.  I can do my job and still have plenty of time to do other things.  Like, for example, WRITE.

21.  So that’s what I’m doing.  And I started today.  Yay!

xoxo

kim

p.s.  guess what else happened when i was in colorado?  new baby.  quinn maxine  who is my second cousin, arrived super-early and scared the crap out of all of us, but she is beautiful and is doing really, unbelievably, well and weighs 4 lbs. now!

p.p.s.  i’m not sure where i’m going with this whole “Radical Feminist” thing, i mean, i’m not saying women are “better” than men or that all men suck, i’m just saying that the centuries of oppression of women have totally sucked and fuck you, men for benefitting from all that and trying to keep us “in our place” even today.

p.p.p.s.  i’m pretty sure i’m going to have to re-think this whole lesbian thing, as i will probably never have another “date”/sex opportunity with a man after writing this…. i really didn’t want to become a bitter man-hating woman but the republicans have pretty much forced me into it.  a waiting period and ultra-sound to get BIRTH CONTROL??????  changing the time-stamp on the texas vote on the abortion bill??????? and those are just the most recent events…  fucking outrageous conduct leads to outrageous consequences.

p.p.p.s.  i haven’t even been able to process how i feel about our government spying on us on account of the republicans, but i’m pretty sure i’m a little upset about that too.  stay tuned.

9 Comments

Filed under My Big Book of Me, Uncategorized, Writing and Not-Writing

9 responses to “The worst part about all this is that I’m *not* a lesbian.

  1. Reblogged this on Our Love For Women and commented:
    I just had a little laugh when I saw this, so it will be the first post on this blog…
    thinking things through is so over rated.

  2. Sue T

    1. Hee hee, she’s Baaaaaak! (The Kim who Writes!)
    2. Hooray for Quinn Maxine! (What a great name!)
    3. This is an awesome rant! Thank you!
    4. In the old days, some feminists (not necessarily Radical nor Non-Radical) might burn their bras. I don’t think you have to do that now. Especially since bras are so expensive.
    5. About living far away from scenes of one’s youth … hmm, maybe this is why I’m never that keen about high school reunions. They don’t know the me that I am now. Of course, I don’t know them, either. I guess I can ask next time. Since that was Mississippi, I could sneakily ask them what they think about the Paula Deen adventure. Come to think of it, some of the people I know now don’t know me-from-then or me-from-now, either.

    • kim

      Thanks Sue! I love the name Quinn Maxine too — Maxine was our grandmother’s middle name and I’ve always loved it! I laughed out loud about the bra burning — you’re right! They are too expensive to burn these days, but boy do I wish I didn’t need to wear them. Especially in this hot and humid weather! Re: old friends and new friends — it’s all weird, isn’t it? Who knows me? Do I even “know” me?
      xoxoxoxo
      me

  3. Kitty

    My condolences on your son who thinks he’s a Republican. Let’s hope it’s just a phase. I recently switched churches (like, the whole denomination) partly BECAUSE of a lot of what you’ve written about here (bunch of women-controlling, birth control-opposing, conservative MEN running that other church). My mother (whose name is Maxine! I shit you not! Awesome name. :)) is really having a hard time with me leaving the church I grew up with. And I keep telling her – it could be worse. I could have decided to be a Republican!

    • kim

      Kitty kitty! I love the name Maxine (see above — it was my favorite grandma’s middle name!) too. Thanks for your thoughts re: my son — it has been difficult, but I just HAVE to believe that he will see the light once he’s away from some of the current influences on his life. How is it possible that he has ME for a mother and he’s identified with this party who wants to criminalize being poor and being a woman? Part of me thinks that he just says he is a Republican to get a rise out of me…. but that is probably wishful thinking on my part…. Anyhoo – wow! Switching churches is a big move. I applaud you for following your conscience. I hope you have found a supportive community in the new church. How is the writing coming along? Hopefully better than mine!

      xoxo
      me

  4. Ron

    Omg, I am so sorry I a republican male! Hmmmmmm…. Oh and hmmmmmmmm!

  5. Lisa

    Hahahaha. I sooooo feel you. And I agree about woman republicans… republicanism doesn’t have to be all bad, but come on, Ann Coulter?! Sarah Palin?! Michelle Bachmann? They’re like the girls who dress super slutty at school… it’s like they’re trying to embrace the uber-patriarchial mindset so they can get more attention from guys.

    And I have the opposite experience with Chicago and Mexico… when I’m here I want to be there, and when I was there all I wanted to do was come back.

    • kim

      OMG you’re RIGHT about those Republican women — I never thought of it that way and you’ve totally hit the nail on the head! I just don’t know how any self-respecting woman can truly embrace the Republican party at this point. I can understand embracing the fiscal policies — but the rest of it would be a no-deal for me. I don’t love everything about the Democratic party (and I’m not even a registered Democrat because of that) but I can at least stomach most of their policies without betraying who I am. How can they support a party that so clearly demeans women? And pretty much everyone except for white males? HOW????

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