Yes, this is a new blog theme. And yes, I’m a little cranky. Surprise.

(Note:  This post has nothing to do with Frida Kahlo (as far as I can tell…) but she looks cranky (I think it’s the eyebrows?) and I’m cranky, so the picture resonated with me and voila! here it is, on my blog, without permission from anyone.  I’m sorry.)

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this except that I just spent HOURS trying to find a new blog theme that worked better than the old blog theme and I finally found one I kind-of-sort-of like and I installed it and I feel like I should write a post acknowledging that yes, the blog looks different.

So.

Yes, the blog looks different.  I kinda like it.  I wanted to make it easier to navigate and easier to see the comments and also to leave comments.  Let me know your thoughts, por favor.

In other news:

UGH

There is no other news.

I’m a wee bit cranky, y’all.

For one thing, I think my body and brain are very confused about the fact that we don’t live where there are seasons anymore.  Colorado = 4 seasons.  Mexico (as far as I can tell) = 1 season + some rain sometimes… Last year was the first year I pretty much totally missed winter (except for a few weeks) and now I’ve also missed Spring and am missing Fall.

I hate missing Fall in Colorado.

The days are warm and the nights are cool.  There is excitement in the air.  The quality of the sunlight is different from any other time of year.  It’s completion, harvest, preparing for winter-time.  Fall has always been my favorite time of year.

So I’ve been a bit down about THAT and also just in general.  I mentioned to a friend that I was down and that I was not sure why and she was all “ummm, you’ve had a few losses recently…?”

Oh yes, loss.  Now my mood makes a little more sense.

In the “totally obvious” category is the loss of my artistic genius mommy (who had great hair!)(and who I miss every single damn day, damn damn damn damn) and then there are the other losses — my home, my career (yes, I hated it most of the time, but still, a career of 20 years is over and that is hard in it’s own way), my son (not dead THANK GOD but away at school and, because of the douchebag who stole all my shit, I got to spend virtually NO time with him before I had to come back to Mexico), my home was violated by a person who masqueraded as a friend, double-whammy, and then another friendship that meant a lot to me seems to be over for reasons unknown to me.

LOSS.

It hurts.

And I hate the conversations that go on in my head about this shit:

*****

Me:  “Mom died and I’m so sad.”

Asshole in my head:  “Everyone dies.  You knew she was sick, you had plenty of time to prepare for her death. She’s in a better place. Move on.”

******

Me:  “I miss my baby boy!  It’s like an ache that never goes away and I just want to see him.”

Asshole in my head:  “He’s 20.  He’s in college.  He’s fine.  Why are you living in Mexico if you’re dying to see him?  Kids grow up.  Get over it.”

******

Me:  “I can’t believe that pendejo pretended to be my friend and then systematically stole all my stuff and tried to rent my house to other people and still lied when I conronted him!  That hurts!  I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.  I feel violated.”

Asshole in my head:  “It’s your own fault, you idiot.  You should never have trusted the pendejo.  Everyone else knew he was a bad seed.  You deserve what you got.”

*****

Me:  “I miss my friend.  I’m sad.”

Asshole in my head:  “You have other friends.  If she were really your friend, she would tell you what is wrong.  You don’t need this drama. Move on.”

*****

You get the picture….

 

Here’s what I want to say to the asshole in my head (and anyone else who thinks like he/she does):

“What you say may be true, and it still hurts. It’s not the end of the world, my life isn’t over, I’m not spending every day lying in bed just waiting to fucking DIE, but it still hurts. So here’s what we’re going to do, you are going to shut up and I’m going to acknowledge the pain, wrap my arms around myself and tell myself everything will be ok, it’s just a little pain, and then I’m going to go the fuck on with my life and try to keep remembering that you are just an asshole voice in my head who clearly wasn’t loved enough as a child.”

🙂

And yes, I realize that I’m talking to no one but myself.

Is that weird?

xoxo

kim

p.s.  so, the pendejo is still “at large” but i finally received the electric bill that he racked up while living here (electricity is very expensive here) — $500 — so that sucks, but i’m glad to get it because once i pay that bill (ouch) the last of HIS damage will be accounted for and over.  expensive lesson.

p.p.s.  i haven’t been to the beach in AGES which makes no sense since that is why i wanted to live here.  i’ve got lots of reasons but none really make much sense.  not sure what is going on there….

p.p.p.s.  partially i haven’t been getting out much because it’s HOTTER THAN FUCK here.  but if i went to the beach it would be breezy and cooler, so that is dumb.

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8 Comments

Filed under grief, My Big Book of Me, Oh Mexico..., Writing and Not-Writing

8 responses to “Yes, this is a new blog theme. And yes, I’m a little cranky. Surprise.

  1. I wish I could hug you right now. I’m sorry that you lost your mom, it totally sucks. Totally. I was completely unprepared for the shit storm my life became after mom died. My mom has been gone about 4 years now. Your mom was fab, no doubt. The only thing I can tell you is that, while it never hurts less, it does hurt less often. You’ll get to the point where you don’t actually find yourself bursting in to tears at random times. Open yourself up to her comfort – I guarantee she’s trying to send it. The world feels different after you lose your mom, the unconditional love that she sent out in to the universe that was yours actually did help – and you don’t even realize it’s there until it’s gone. I’m sorry – sending so much love your way.

    You have been through a lot. I love that you were brave enough to move your life. Leaving a career, your son growing up, living in a different country… you are amazing!!

    • kim

      I wish you could hug me too! Thanks for writing Dodi. I’m sorry to hear about your loss – it’s especially hard when you have younger children, I think. My dad passed when my son was 4 and so much of my grieving for him has revolved around him missing out on enjoying my son. So I’ve been down this grief road before and I know it gets better, I just hadn’t remembered how very much it sucks when the loss is so fresh. I totally get what you’re saying about the unconditional love — I miss that A LOT. On a lighter note, I can’t believe you’re a Dance Mom!!!! 😉 xoxox kim

  2. Daf

    I totally get your cranky self….! Life sucks sometimes, crappy things happen, and we are all supposed to just deal with it. It is not fair, fun or do-able some days. Me, I am in the middle of ending a 32 year relationship, being on Vancouver Island where I miss the heat of Mexico, am trying to sell the house we moved to to retire and die in, and until that happens, my finances are non existent. I took on 3 paper routes and a contract to deliver fundraising tickets to make ends meet, and had to hawk my stereo the other day to pay for groceries for visiting grand kids, none of whom have a clue how tight things are. I also miss a son….but he is alive and well (well, not really) and living in Victoria, but he has some kind of mental issues (which of course will never get diagnosed because he refuses to see anyone) so he shuts out me, his dad, his brother…..no contact. I am staying in Canada for the winter to continue to sell the house, so will miss my 6 months in Puerto….OMG!!! The up side is I get to see one wonderful son and the 4 grand kids and dear friends for the next 6 months – and it has been 5 years since we have spent Christmas together, so that is good.

    Not much more to say except maybe my crap will take the edge off some of yours. Miss you, Kim, and sorry we won’t get to drink wine together this winter. Sending you love and big hugs. D

    • kim

      Oh Daf…. I’m so sorry to hear that all of that crap is going on in your life. Lots of change. Ugh. I am sorry you won’t be here this year, but look forward to seeing you when you do make it down here. I’m sure your grandkids are thrilled to have you around! Sending you much love and wishes for peaceful and loving transitions. When one thing doesn’t work out, another thing does, right? Take care. xoxo kim

  3. Sue T

    I like the new blog theme! (and what you wrote)
    You are so right about fall. And then all the other seasons, each of them just in time. But then there _is_ the beach! Even if you aren’t on the actual beach, having it nearby is wonderful.

    • kim

      Thanks Sue! I’m kind of loving the orange right now (in the blog theme…) It’s true that it’s awesome to be near the beach, even when I am not on it. There is a kind of peace about it. xoxoxo kim

  4. Debbie Adams

    I like your blog! Life sucks sometimes but you have to keep on going! Think good thoughts and good memories and that will help you alot. There is always a reason for why things happen the way they do and it seems to make us stronger. I’m coming back soon and then we can do beach days lol!! And by the way we are allowed cranky days – we are women lol!! xxoo

  5. No, your not cranky! We all talk to ourselves this way at some point…..it’s called trying to be realistic with ourselves and positive thinking.

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