Hello, June 6th. (I’m sobby and stabby and shouldn’t be writing, FYI)

Well hello June 6th.

I’ve been dreading your arrival.

My mind has attached all sorts of meaning to you:

Six months since my sweet mommy died.  Six months of grieving.  Six months of limbo.  Time’s up.  Move on.

Here is what I have to say to my mind:

HA HA HA HA HA…… right.

I thought by now I would have come to terms with things.  I thought the worst would be over.  I thought I would have embraced my own life and pulled it all together.  I thought Mexico would have healed me.

Maybe it’s the PMS talking (ok, it’s more than likely the PMS)(or the Depression, which is an even bigger asshole than the PMS)(together they are a formidable duo of asshole-liar-overly-sensitive-ness) but the worst doesn’t seem to be over.  The worst seems to be right now.  And right now, nothing seems any better than it did six months ago when I kissed my sweet mommy for the last time and watched strangers take her body away and then tried to be the mommy to my own grieving son when all I really wanted was for someone to be the mommy to me.

Truth be told, I still just want someone to be the mommy to me sometimes.  Which is exactly how my mom felt when her mom died.  And then she got sick (way too soon, God) and voila!  I became the mommy to her.  As much as it sucked, I’m glad that she had someone to hold her when the fear and the pain were too much and to tell her everything was going to be ok, even when we both knew it wasn’t.  That is what mommies do.

I miss you mom.  Six months is like 3 minutes and 102 years all wrapped up into one thing.  I would give anything to lay my head on your shoulder and have you stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be ok.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  If June 6th wanted to do something besides be an asshole-reminder-of-sadness it could give me a new niece/nephew today… JUST A SUGGESTION, JUNE 6TH.

p.p.s.  I’m sobby and stabby and I just want my mom, dammit.  But I guess you knew that….

p.p.p.s.  If you know someone who is being a caregiver, give them a hug and tell them everything is going to be ok.  🙂

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6 Comments

Filed under grief, The Caregiver with the Dragon Tattoo, Uncategorized, Writing and Not-Writing

6 responses to “Hello, June 6th. (I’m sobby and stabby and shouldn’t be writing, FYI)

  1. I always read your blog & leave without knowing what to say. I’m sorry for your loss, you make me want to go call my own mommy right now. I too am struggling with depression (which is a bitch-& only those closest to me know this), but for completely different reasons than you. Also, your mother is absolutely beautiful.

    Here’s to making it through June 6th.

  2. Sue T

    OK, so (I will drink) a glass of wine for your Mom tonight. And have some yummy cheese and crackers for you. Or salsa and chips.
    Love the picture! OMG, see the light within all their eyes! It is still there, dear Kim.

  3. irene

    no matter what you write I LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU thru this blog. i’m here for you Kim! an active reader. . . please take extra good care of yourself (trigger/reaction anniversaries) are BIG! love you, irene

  4. Liseaa

    Kim….am thinking of you today. Have been since your post about the next celebration of your mom’s life in Lamar. Btw you have great hair too. I laugh every time you write that about your mom.

  5. irene

    “Nature’s first green is gold
    Her hardest hue to hold.
    Her early leaf’s a flower
    But only so an hour
    Then leaf subsides to leaf.
    So Eden sank to grief,
    So dawn goes down to day.
    Nothing gold can stay.”
    Robert Frost
    Read this and thought of you Kim! Did you read the piece i posted to your Mother’s Day blog?
    (Sorry about the error of paragraph above, put it in the wrong place.
    Too much going on in my life these days.) I’m going to email you. ‘K?
    love you,
    irene

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