I wish I hadn’t written that last post on the Thursday of Mysteries.
I suppose I could just delete it and pretend like it never happened, but that seems disingenuous. Plus some nice people commented on it, so just making it disappear seems rude.
It’s been bothering me. A lot. Especially the part about how it seems like I hate men. Or penises. Or both.
The truth is that I don’t hate men or their related equipment. At all.
I think what I hate right now is me.
(That’s a tough one to say out loud…)
I hate how I came up with this “Moratorium” idea, then substantially complied with it (lawyer words for “I didn’t even do what I agreed to do, but I mostly did it and I think I get credit for that.”) and then it was over and – voila! – I’m still the same as pre-Moratorium-Kim, except with another year of sad shit to come to terms with.
Pre-Moratorium-Kim had good intentions for the year of not using love/the search for love to avoid other important shit. That Kim thought that she would focus on loving herself and loving her life and she would deal with all sorts of nagging issues that she had been avoiding for so long and then she would emerge at the end of the Moratorium as someone much better equipped to find/be in a relationship. With a man, who has a penis, which she doesn’t and never has, hated.
In her defense, Pre-Moratorium-Kim had no clue about what those 12 months of Moratorium were going to bring. She had no idea that her artistic genius Mom (with great hair) would have the sneaky kind of ovarian cancer that goes to the brain and then fucks things up from there. She didn’t know about the brain surgery, the paralysis, the Gamma Knife surgery… She didn’t know that she was going to become a for real full-time caregiver. She didn’t know that the time she had imagined spending doing meaningful things to figure out her own shit was going to be spent trying to make life bearable for her sweet mommy and/or spent lost in angst over how much she resented the burden of trying to make life bearable for her sweet mommy and then more angst about the awful shameful resentment. She didn’t know how her son’s graduation from High School was going to pull the last remnants of the rug that had been her life out from under her. That it would leave her reeling and unmoored and so, so sad about things she can never change. She didn’t know about the packing up the house and putting life in storage. She didn’t know about the homecoming in Mexico, the fall, the broken hip, the midnight flight back to the USA. She didn’t know about the hip surgery, the horrible rehab center, the night her sweet mommy would ask her if she was dying and she would reply “no” because she was unable to comprehend that “yes” might be the answer. She didn’t know how it would feel when the not-knowing-something turns into knowing-something and that something is that your sweet mommy is dying in front of your eyes. Pre-Moratorium-Kim had no idea that instead of spending time figuring her own shit out, she would be getting up in the middle of the night to slip into/onto her mom’s hospital bed and crying on her mostly unconscious mom’s shoulder begging her to stay and telling her it was ok to go. She didn’t know her Mom was really going to go.
I feel a little bit sad for Pre-Moratorium-Kim, she had such high hopes, such good intentions and then look at all that happened instead.
And now I hate myself a little less for being in pretty much exactly the same situation as Pre-Moratorium-Kim. We didn’t really have a chance, did we? It was months upon months of reacting to what was happening with Mom. Maybe I should give myself a break for not fixing my own life last year. I just hope that all the not-fixing-my-life made my Mom’s last year a little less awful.
p.s. it’s so weird how i start out writing one thing and end up somewhere completely different. i don’t know if this post makes sense to anyone but me, but i guess that is ok. i feel a smidge better than i did when i started writing.
p.p.s. i do really hate that Thursday of Mysteries post.
p.p.p.s. i had Easter dinner at cantina habanero’s here in pto. morelos. cheeseburger and fries. very strange. i am really missing my family right now. on the other hand, i went scuba diving for the first time in 3 years yesterday! it was amazing. i love being underwater. (and being able to breathe while underwater)