Post-Moratorium-Kim is a lot like Pre-Moratorium-Kim, it turns out.

I wish I hadn’t written that last post on the Thursday of Mysteries.

I suppose I could just delete it and pretend like it never happened, but that seems disingenuous.  Plus some nice people commented on it, so just making it disappear seems rude.

Still.

Ugh.

It’s been bothering me.  A lot.  Especially the part about how it seems like I hate men.  Or penises.  Or both.

The truth is that I don’t hate men or their related equipment.  At all.

I think what I hate right now is me.

(That’s a tough one to say out loud…)

I hate how I came up with this “Moratorium” idea, then substantially complied with it (lawyer words for “I didn’t even do what I agreed to do, but I mostly did it and I think I get credit for that.”) and then it was over and – voila!I’m still the same as pre-Moratorium-Kim, except with another year of sad shit to come to terms with.

Pre-Moratorium-Kim had good intentions for the year of not using love/the search for love to avoid other important shit.  That Kim thought that she would focus on loving herself and loving her life and she would deal with all sorts of nagging issues that she had been avoiding for so long and then she would emerge at the end of the Moratorium as someone much better equipped to find/be in a relationship.  With a man, who has a penis, which she doesn’t and never has, hated.

Ha!

Silly Pre-Moratorium-Kim….

In her defense, Pre-Moratorium-Kim had no clue about what those 12 months of Moratorium were going to bring.  She had no idea that her artistic genius Mom (with great hair) would have the sneaky kind of ovarian cancer that goes to the brain and then fucks things up from there.  She didn’t know about the brain surgery, the paralysis, the Gamma Knife surgery… She didn’t know that she was going to become a for real full-time caregiver.  She didn’t know that the time she had imagined spending doing meaningful things to figure out her own shit was going to be spent trying to make life bearable for her sweet mommy and/or spent lost in angst over how much she resented the burden of trying to make life bearable for her sweet mommy and then more angst about the awful shameful resentment.  She didn’t know how her son’s graduation from High School was going to pull the last remnants of the rug that had been her life out from under her.  That it would leave her reeling and unmoored and so, so sad about things she can never change.  She didn’t know about the packing up the house and putting life in storage.  She didn’t know about the homecoming in Mexico, the fall, the broken hip, the midnight flight back to the USA.  She didn’t know about the hip surgery, the horrible rehab center, the night her sweet mommy would ask her if she was dying and she would reply “no” because she was unable to comprehend that “yes” might be the answer.  She didn’t know how it would feel when the not-knowing-something turns into knowing-something and that something is that your sweet mommy is dying in front of your eyes.  Pre-Moratorium-Kim had no idea that instead of spending time figuring her own shit out, she would be getting up in the middle of the night to slip into/onto her mom’s hospital bed and crying on her mostly unconscious mom’s shoulder begging her to stay and telling her it was ok to go.  She didn’t know her Mom was really going to go.

I feel a little bit sad for Pre-Moratorium-Kim, she had such high hopes, such good intentions and then look at all that happened instead.

And now I hate myself a little less for being in pretty much exactly the same situation as Pre-Moratorium-Kim.  We didn’t really have a chance, did we?  It was months upon months of reacting to what was happening with Mom.  Maybe I should give myself a break for not fixing my own life last year.  I just hope that all the not-fixing-my-life made my Mom’s last year a little less awful.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  it’s so weird how i start out writing one thing and end up somewhere completely different.  i don’t know if this post makes sense to anyone but me, but i guess that is ok.  i feel a smidge better than i did when i started writing.

p.p.s.  i do really hate that Thursday of Mysteries post.

p.p.p.s.  i had Easter dinner at cantina habanero’s here in pto. morelos.  cheeseburger and fries.  very strange.  i am really missing my family right now.  on the other hand, i went scuba diving for the first time in 3 years yesterday!  it was amazing.  i love being underwater. (and being able to breathe while underwater)

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13 Comments

Filed under Cancer sucks., grief, The Caregiver with the Dragon Tattoo, Writing and Not-Writing

13 responses to “Post-Moratorium-Kim is a lot like Pre-Moratorium-Kim, it turns out.

  1. First, I liked the last post, and didn’t read it as a hate-post against men. but it’s your blog so take it down if it bothers you. 😉

    Second – and this might get a little advicey so feel free to ignore – maybe pre-moratorium Kim somehow, someway saw into the future, knew that you would need a less complicated life for a while, and somehow created this perfectly timed moratorium so that – on top of everything else – you weren’t *also* dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of a new relationship (or series thereof)? Dating is hard and full of stressful stuff. Trying to balance a relationship in the midst of all that, trying not to break down and appear ‘weak’ or ’emotional’? Glad you didn’t have to do that. Pefect timing, in my opinion.

    Third – Scuba diving!? I’ve never done it but it sounds amazeballs!

    🙂

    • kim

      Yay! A new word – “advicey” – I love it. I love how you think pre-moratorium-kim had some superpowers. Maybe you’re right. You’re definitely right that I could not have handled one little bit of extra stress, so not-dating was a good plan. Come visit me and we will scuba dive – you would LOVE it. No sparklies though, it attracts the barracudas!

  2. Sue T

    Or, maybe Post-Moratorium Kim saw into the past and sent a message to Pre-Moratorium Kim, cleverly disguising it so it seemed it was about something else rather than what it turned out to be (not to speak of all the stuff it will turn out to be later, that you haven’t even figured out yet).

    At the least they must have been talking to each other behind the scenes.

    I am positive you made your Mom’s last year *quite* a bit less awful.
    Wonder what she would say to you now about that year?
    (Feel free to resist that idea, I’m resisting it in my own case, for sure.)

    Scuba diving is so … aaahhhhhhhh!!!!!
    Only went twice before now, but it was so lovely.
    Jealous.

    • kim

      First – see my response above to Jillian – wouldn’t it be awesome if you guys came to visit and we could all meet in real life?? AND scuba dive? Or did you already meet Jillian? Anyway. I think it would be awesome. Second – oh the resistance I have to your idea about what Mom would say, it is magnificent in it’s strength and size. Good to know I’m not alone in that aspect. Third – thank you for reminding me that sometimes things start to make sense only in retrospect and after some time has passed. I know what I think that year was about now, but what will it mean to me five years from now? Who knows!
      xoxo
      kim

  3. SH

    You so deserve a break…put the baseball bat away.

  4. I know I lived it too, in different way. Probably would be good for me to write about I ;(

  5. Marilee McWilliams

    So, that made me cry. Its sad that stress comes in so many forms. I wish you had let me know the person that you are in your blogs…I never was introduced to this Kim. This Kim is strong and self reflective and funny. Not today, again you made me cry, but mostly. And I still think this blog IS your book. I would buy it. I miss seeing you. Marilee

    • kim

      Interesting comment…. I’m not sure what to say. Part of me feels defensive “of course you met this Kim, you just didn’t notice because you had an idea of who I was before you even got to know me” and part of me feels sad “of course you didn’t meet this Kim, I was horribly depressed and trying to do a job that is emotionally challenging on a good day in a system that I ultimately believe doesn’t work — it was all I could do to just make it through each day, how could you know me?” Plus, in the time we worked together I lost both grandmothers, my son went to live with his father and my Mom got sick… I didn’t know who I was. Anyway. Thanks for reading 🙂 I miss our mexican food lunches! The mexican food here just doesn’t cut it for me.

      • marilee mcwilliams

        dont be defensive, you were being the attorney Kim who was trying to keep her head above water. I worried about you. I really like reading your blog because your true self comes through. And no the system does not work. And yes my job is totally depressing. And yes I would love to work any where else most days. All I knew about you is that you had a good reputation with divorce court I never got below the attorney surface which is on me. Ive heard mexican food here isnt anything like food there….

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