Sue (the pretend-Buddha iguana) is into games, apparently…

(Preliminary note:  I’m blogging from Starbucks.  In Cancun, Mexico.  I love the internet!)

Actually, Sue (the pretend-Buddha iguana who lives on my wall) is totally fucking with me, but I didn’t think I should use the “F” word in my blog title.

In short, Sue completely disappeared for a few days.

He wasn’t just missing from his usual spot on the wall.  He was nowhere to be found.  He wasn’t anywhere on the entire wall.  He wasn’t on the roof of the bodega.  He wasn’t in the bougainvillea tree/bush.  He wasn’t on the roof of my house.  He wasn’t in my house.

I was concerned.

This iguana (or one who looks a lot like him) has hung out on this wall for years.  And then, right after I wrote about him (and blew his pretend-Buddha/pretend iguana cover?), he disappears into thin air?

Coincidence?

I think not.

There’s really no reasonable explanation for his sudden disappearance other than the one my brain came up with:

Sue is mad at me.

(It has to be about me, obviously) 

Perhaps he doesn’t like the name Sue?  Maybe he didn’t enjoy how I described him as icky and not cuddly at all?  It’s possible he is upset that I doubt his Buddha-nature.  Maybe he was freaked out by all the attention?

Anyway.

I’ve spent more time than I really want to admit looking for this damn pretend-Buddha iguana.  Missing our little unspoken connection every time I looked out the living room window into his creepy peeping-Tom eyes.  Wishing I had not gotten so close trying to get a better picture of him.  Wondering if I had ruined his happy home on the wall with my attention/staring contests.

Mourning the loss of the imaginary relationship I had created in my mind.

(Hmmmm, this seems familiar….)

I went out at dawn this morning, thinking perhaps I could catch him on the wall before the day warmed up too much.  No sign of Sue.  I checked again at 8:00 a.m. when Carlos the construction guy and his sons came by the house.  Nada.  I looked around again at 10:00 a.m. as I was leaving to pick up a friend to take to the airport in Cancun.  No Sue.

Then, about five minutes later, I returned to the house to get the sunglasses I had forgotten to bring. 

And there he was.

Sue.

Just sitting there.  At his usual spot on the wall.  Pretending not to notice me.  Acting like nothing has happened.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, SUE?!  WHY ARE YOU TOYING WITH ME LIKE THIS?  LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!

You can see his response in the photo above.

Nose in the air.  Refusing to acknowledge me.  Evidencing nothing but callous disregard for my feelings.

And now I’m angry.

FUCK YOU, SUE.  I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU.  YOU’RE AN UGLY, SPIKY IGUANA AND I’M NOT THE LEAST BIT ATTRACTED TO YOU.  FURTHERMORE, WE HAVE NO INTELLECTUAL CONNECTION.  I’M NOT EVEN SURE YOU HAVE A BRAIN.  WHAT A WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY THIS COMPLETELY PRETEND RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN.

Again, this seems familiar…

And now I’m sensing a lesson.

Fucking pretend-Buddha iguanas.

YES – I see that sometimes I assume things are about me when they totally aren’t.

YES – I may have, occasionally, ignored reality and created a fantasy relationship and then been crushed when the actual relationship bore no resemblance to the fantasy.

and

YES – I’ve probably  “pursued” relationships with people (read: men) who I’m not really attracted to physically/intellectually simply because I wanted to “win” i.e., “not-lose”.

But why this lesson now, Sue?

I haven’t dated in eons (a year).  I’m completely shut-down (I did notice a nice-looking man reading an interesting book on the beach next to me yesterday).  And I’m totally unattractive (I’ve lost at least 10 lbs. since I’ve been back on anti-depressants/in Mexico).

Oh.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  I had no idea where this post was going when I started it…. and that is why I love writing even when I hate it.

p.s.s.  These aren’t exactly new lessons, FYI.  I guess I needed a refresher course?

p.s.s.s.  I love mocha frappuccinos!