I need to write and I don’t know where to start.
So I’ve been eating chocolate instead. Lots of it. Dark chocolate.
(thank you for the christmas chocolates uncle david)
And staring at this blank screen.
So here goes….
It’s been 22 days since Mom died and I’ve spent virtually all of them here, in my sister’s home in Tampa.
Being here has probably saved my life, and not just because of the chocolate.
(for all sorts of reasons that I can’t write about right now or else I will start bawling again and searching for more chocolate)
I’ve been in a little protective bubble.
But all that is going to change when I fly back to Colorado tomorrow.
And I’m all jumbled up about it — sad to leave my sister and family, excited to see my son, sad to leave the ocean, can’t wait to be back in the mountains, sad to leave my niece, looking forward to not answering her 4.3 million questions a day, sad to leave the last place I saw my sweet mommy, sad to go back to Colorado without her, excited to be with the rest of my family, freaked out because I haven’t seen most of them since before Mom died and it’s going to feel all fresh and raw and horrible again.
Plus the whole “NOW WHAT” issue is hanging over everything.
Once I leave this protective bubble and the holidays are over there seems to be this expectation (from everyone, including, not surprisingly, me) that I will just get on with life. Tra-la-la.
(that’s not true — no one is expecting tra-la-la, per se)
Which I guess is what normally happens.
Life goes on.
Except I have no idea how that is going to happen for me because I don’t know where I’m going to live or what I’m going to do or even, in a way, who I am now, without my Mom and her illness kind of “defining” the terms of my life.
(And now I’m imagining that scene in Zoolander when Derek peers into the gutter at his reflection and asks “Who am I?”…. So lame…)
All I can do at this point is take things one day at a time. Anything more feels too big.
p.s.s. thanks for all the notes of support. i love you guys.
p.s.s.s. i really hope i’m able to write something that isn’t bullshit soon. yikes.