I wish I had something to bring to it.
Some gift of love, joy, laughter, presence.
But I don’t.
I braced myself for today and woke up with big plans to make it awesome and sparkly and delightful.
Instead I’ve spent most of the day crying in my room.
Feeling guilty for what I can’t find inside myself.
I miss my Mom.
I miss my Dad.
I miss my son (who is not dead, just not with me this year).
I miss the magic I used to feel about Christmas Eve.
I love being with my sister, her husband and my amazing 6 year old niece.
I just wish I had more of myself to give them.
But I’m empty.
I know that I (we) are not the only ones feeling pain and grief this holiday season.
I wish I had more to give everyone who feels lost and alone and adrift tonight. You are not alone.
Tonight I raise my glass in solidarity with all those who mourn the loss of a life they once knew. Here’s to that sweet life and to the knowledge that tomorrow brings with it the truth that all things are possible.