I have no gifts to bring. Unless you count beer.

It’s Christmas Eve.

I wish I had something to bring to it. 

Some gift of love, joy, laughter, presence.

But I don’t.

I braced myself for today and woke up with big plans to make it awesome and sparkly and delightful.

Instead I’ve spent most of the day crying in my room.

Feeling guilty for what I can’t find inside myself.

I miss my Mom.

I miss my Dad.

I miss my son (who is not dead, just not with me this year).

I miss the magic I used to feel about Christmas Eve.

I love being with my sister, her husband and my amazing 6 year old niece.

I just wish I had more of myself to give them.

But I’m empty.

I know that I (we) are not the only ones feeling pain and grief this holiday season.

I wish I had more to give everyone who feels lost and alone and adrift tonight.  You are not alone. 

Tonight I raise my glass in solidarity with all those who mourn the loss of a life they once knew.  Here’s to that sweet life and to the knowledge that tomorrow brings with it the truth that all things are possible.

Just breathe.

xoxo,

kim

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “I have no gifts to bring. Unless you count beer.

  1. Sue T

    Dear Kim, I am raising a glass with you, as well; and thanking you for your heart-gift of words

    I have been watching a candle flame tonight as it converts matter into light, destroying and transforming. And drinking this wine, light transformed into matter.

    So grief transforms, so emptiness will be filled again. How this happens is a mystery.

    May you, and all mourners, be comforted this Holy night.

  2. I definitely feel the tears + the grief + the beer + missing that happy feeling + missing that happy self with so much to give.

    Here’s to believing it will come back again…

  3. trinzic

    Hey! I nominated you for “The Versatile Blogger Award”. Check out my page for more info. Thanks for being a good read. 🙂

  4. I wish you safe rooms and spaciousness and and as much warmth and compassion and togetherness as you can stand.

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