News Flash: I haven’t figured my shit out yet and fuck you Buddha, I am the Queen of Resistance!

I know you guys were all “Oh, look, Kim is finally making some progress!” after I wrote that last post re: Me and Buddha Me

Even I believed that I had made a little baby step toward sanity.  And maybe I did.  But since then…?

GIANT STEPS BACKWARD.

A lot of them.

While acceptance sounds good and is probably (absolutely) the best way to go, I’m sticking with resistance and resentment, naturally.

Why practice acceptance and calmness when I can spend every waking hour with anxious thoughts churning in my head and no resolution, ever?

Why indeed.

Except “why” is never the right question, really. 

The answer to “why”, in my experience, is never very satisfying.

I think asking “why” is just inviting pure speculation or, perhaps worse, the actual, horrific truth.

Why did you murder those people?

My childhood was fucked up.

Is that true?

No.  I’m just speculating.

Then why did you murder the people?

I just felt like it.

But why?!!

My childhood was fucked up???

(I have an unnatural interest in serial killers, FYI)

Anyway.

“Why?” rarely leads to a satisfying answer, in my humble opinion.

But I digress.

It doesn’t matter “why” I’m choosing to be the Queen of Resistance (!!) with ninja resentment skills, I just am.

Except it is not satisfying at all, because I’m pretending that I’m not the Queen of Resistance (“It is what it is……”) and hiding my ninja resentment skills (“I’m so happy (insert someone else’s name) has this exciting opportunity right now!)

So, maybe the key is to dive into it, embrace the resistance (Resistance!), roll around with the resentment (Resentment!), feel all the icky, horrible feelings that I’ve been trying not to feel (or at least not admit to feeling) and let loose a hugely satisfying FUCK YOU to all of it.

(I realize that this may not, in fact, be THE KEY to getting past all the resistance (Resistance!) and resentment (Resentment!), but at least it is a fucking plan, and that is more than I had 10 minutes ago.)

(Plus, I’m not at home right now, and won’t be until tomorrow, so I have some time to be with my issues before I have to cheerfully resume my caregiving.)

So.

Let the embracing and reveling begin!

I am the Queen of Resistance! (think french pronunciation, s’il vous plait) and I am Unhappy with the Way Things Are.  I don’t like it!  At all!  It’s Completely Fucked, I say.  I object!  Yes, that’s it, I strenuously object to all this Shit!  Put that on the record, Jeeves.  Furthermore, I hereby proclaim that all the land shall be aware of my ninja resentment skills.  How?  I shall resent all the people, of course!  I resent You and You and even little you.  If you are not having a completely miserable life that is seemingly dictated by events/people beyond your control, I hereby resent the SHIT out of you.  If you’re my siblings who are doing the very best you can to be supportive, I love you with all my heart and I resent every minute that your lives aren’t dictated by Mom’s illness/needs/desires.  It sucks, but it is true.  Are you in love?  I Resent You!  Do you have a group of supportive friends who do girl things all the time?  I Resent You!  A great marriage/relationship?  Oh, How I Resent You!  Do you have a job/income?  Resentment!  Perhaps I would be less skilled in resentment if I were not the Queen of Resistance.  Or vice versa.  Who knows?  Not I.  (Not me?) (I don’t!) 

If I had really made it safe for myself to feel these feelings, I think I would be feeling a little better right now, having gotten some of that off my chest. 

Unfortunately, it’s not really all that safe to be exposing this stuff out loud on my blog, so I’m a little cringe-y and “yikes!” about it all.

I suspect the trick (if, indeed there is a trick) may be finding a truly safe way to express this stuff and get some assistance in processing it from someone who isn’t related to me, or my Mom.

I’m pretty sure that is called “therapy”.

I think I just decided that I absolutely need therapy.

(and oh, how the monsters go wild “but you can’t afford therapy because you can’t have a job because you have to take care of your mom and even if you did have money for therapy how could you fit it in around her Dr. stuff/needs and you’re never going to be able to find a therapist when you live on the farm, which you have no choice about, or do you?  therapy would help to figure that out….”)

SOMEBODY GET ME A THERAPIST!

Stat!

xoxo

kim

p.s.  I got to see my awesome son on Friday and I get to see him again tonight!  Yay!  He loves college!  I love him!  I love being able to hang out at my Aunt’s house and be very close to him without appearing to be a stalker… 😉

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4 Comments

Filed under Cancer sucks., The Great Anti-Antidepressant Experiment of 2011, Uncategorized

4 responses to “News Flash: I haven’t figured my shit out yet and fuck you Buddha, I am the Queen of Resistance!

  1. Claire P

    Dude, I’d be more worried about your sanity if you WEREN’T la reine de resistance et resentmente extraordinaire…

    Strenuously objecting to the sack of goat shit you’ve got in front of you is probably the most normal, sane and healthy response a person could have.

    I can’t think of any good reasons why someone would volunteer for the super-tasty mix of crap you’re dealing with…. No.

    But, as Buddha would say: that’s life.

    So, I guess the key is going to be discerning where the power lies in the goat shit situation. External circumstances: maybe not so much right now. Internal circumstances: *siiiiiiiigggghhhhhggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr(littlesob)aaaaarrrrrggghhhsiiiigghhh* that’s probably where it’s going to be. Just showing up, over and over, to the how-we-are in any situation, and tinkering with what we can when we can.

    Which is what you’re doing most ADMIRABLY. Seriously: admiration is the most normal sane healthy response of anyone who looks at you and hears what you say. You’re doing great Kim. Truly.

    *hugs and Swedish massages for you!!!*

  2. Hugs, tea, chocolate, and a lovely blanket fort. Oh, and an iridium force field if you would care for one.

  3. Girl, I have been there, believe moi! You can read my blog to see that. I still highly recommend the F**k it book. If you get it on Kindle (you don’t have to have a Kindle, you can download the Kindle program to your PC), it’s like $1.99, and it’s a short, hilarious read. It helped me so much – saying f**k it all the time really does make me feel a lot better. I promise the guy’s not paying me to plug his book, I just really, really like it.

    It’s really OK to be resistant: be resistant, get all pissed off about it, scream at God, Buddha, Jesus, Mary, the Spagetti Monster, whomever – they can take it, nor are they judging you for feeling that way. Be mad, and be kind to yourself – you’re doing the best you can in the f**ked up circumstances you are finding yourself.

    All the best,
    Zippy

  4. Sue T

    Wishing you the Superpower of easily finding a therapist you can work with.
    Aside from the meds/no meds questions, I’ve found psychiatric social workers to be additional options; down to earth, practical, often less expensive (especially, sometimes available as local government resource with graduated charge scales). Likely to want to set up a limited therapy schedule (weeks rather than years).
    Also, acupuncture always helped me in dealing with severe stress. Email me privately for more on finding practitioners.
    ****hugs****
    Sue T (back from Rally)
    P.S. I like the new blog format. Seems appropriately spare right now.

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