And this is what depression looks like. Read at your own risk.

(First of all, you probably shouldn’t even be reading this.  And I probably shouldn’t even be publishing it.  It’s depressing and there is a lot of cussing.  Am I really going to publish it?  I don’t know.  Probably.  Because my blog is about my life and this depression is part of it, unfortunately.  Also because I have CDD (compulsive disclosure disorder)(a/k/a compulsive honesty disorder), which is probably why I’m a terrible lawyer and also why my sister has to talk to me about “boundaries” sometimes….whatever)

Anyway. 

FUCK.

Here’s what I want to do right now:  NOT WRITE.

Here’s what I need to do:  WRITE SOMETHING ALREADY.

I’m “solving” this problem by dragging myself, kicking and screaming and moaning and whining, here.  To the blog.  To fucking write something.

Except, as it turns out, I’m not “solving” anything because  I just this minute figured out that the Not Wanting To Write is not about writing, per se.  

It’s about everything.

I don’t want to write, I don’t want to finish the filing that I started 3 days ago (I have the pretty files and everything, but I’m stuck), I don’t want to talk to anyone (I’m grouchy and bitchy and depressed and I don’t want any advice from well-meaning people + “NO, I DON’T HAVE A JOB”), I don’t want to read (because once I start reading I start thinking about all of the books that I purchased but haven’t read yet (books about writing, of course…), I don’t want to  work on my online courses (because then I might finish the courses and then I really have no excuse but to do my thing if that is what I’m going to do, which I don’t fucking know), I don’t want to go anywhere (not even out of my bedroom to our rooftop patio, which is awesome), I don’t want to clean house, sort out my closet, deal with the extra stuff in the garage, clean up my office so I can actually sit at my desk (cuz then I would probably have to write….or something worse), I don’t want to go to the health club (why break tradition?)(+ people = eek), I don’t want to ride my bike (see earlier blog post), I don’t want to eat anything that isn’t chocolate, I don’t want to see a movie or watch TV,  I don’t want to find a doctor (for my gastric issues)(even though it is really getting bad and is partly why I don’t want to leave my house), I don’t want to talk to my insurance company about the $600 mammogram that they apparently don’t cover (since when?  total bullshit.) or anything else (because they SUCK and I pay $478.00/month for coverage, have a $3,000 (yes, three THOUSAND dollars) deductible, PLUS co-pays  AND FUCK YOU PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK WE NEED TO FIX HEALTH CARE….assholes.), I don’t want to deal with my attorney registration issue because I fucking hate that you have to pay for the “privilege” to practice law (which SUCKS) after you’ve already paid for law school and continuing legal education and malpractice insurance and, and, and, I’m not even practicing, I don’t want to make my fingernails/toenails pretty (even though they look like shit and they usually always look pretty, except for now), I don’t want to try to find a therapist (see insurance issue above + fear of opening the floodgates), I don’t want to reply to emails from nice people who care about me (because I don’t feel worthy of being cared for and I’m tired of being pathetic), I don’t want to deal with the leasing company about the fact that our lease will be up soon (because the woman is a raging bitch and I know it is going to be unpleasant, to say the least), I don’t even want to get the fucking mail.

I don’t want to do anything.

I don’t even want to have sex.  I know….?

And this is what depression looks like, friends.

(and yes, I’m using the ugliest color I could find to symbolize depression…)

I have no interest in anything.  I’m fucking tired all the time, except when I’m exhausted, which is worse.  I’m also lethargic.  My hair is falling out.  I’m not sleeping well.  I can’t concentrate.  I’m anxious. I’m distracted.  I’m sad.  Everything seems overwhelming.

The worst part about depression is that it’s impossible to explain.  There is no reason “why” I’m depressed.  I can’t point to some pivotal  thing that “caused” me to fall into this fucking abyss of gloom.  I wish I could, believe me.  There is nothing worse than trying to explain depression to someone who has never experienced it.  Because it sounds like something I made up to justify my laziness/my weight/my ugly hair/my avoidance of people.  And I often feel judged, which leads, of course, to bitchy defensiveness.  Which is no fun for anyone.  Nor does it help the situation.

Depression is real.  And it is sneaky.  And it sucks.

They say depression feeds on itself.  And it’s true. Because on top of the depression itself, there is the shame of having depression – a (gasp of horror) mental illness.  And the guilt around not being a better/stronger person.  And the fear that this will never, ever end.  And the regret about all the time I’m losing to this thing, this illness that is stealing my life one day at a time.  And the loneliness, even when surrounded by people who love me.

You know how it feels when someone you love dies, and you grieve and you keep running memories of that person through your mind because you are so very afraid that someday you will forget something important?  Like what he looked like.  The sound of her laugh.  That he loved peonies and country music and german chocolate cake.  That she watched Jeopardy every day and her hair was always the same shade of red and her skin was beautiful, even at 89.  That she worried about the weather in Zimbabwe and always wore the same perfume and loved Scrabble.  The way he was so dramatic when he sneezed.

That is how this depression feels to me.  I’m so afraid of forgetting who I am when I’m not depressed.  I don’t want this to be my life.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  I warned you not to read this!  FYI, no, I’m not thinking about cashing in my chips and going to that great chocolate factory in the sky.  No need to call the authorities.

p.s.s.  And yes, I’m going to get some help.

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “And this is what depression looks like. Read at your own risk.

  1. Sue T

    it strikes me as pretty brave of you to write at all when you are so depressed.
    I am giving you a big virtual hug right now.
    I will be praying for you/surrounding you with mental good wishes (pick your favorite or both).

    • kim

      Thank you Sue. I will take hugs, prayers, wishes, intentions — pretty much anything you’re offering 🙂

      I’m glad you get to go Rally! I wish I could go back.

      kim

  2. Irene

    hmmm. . . i believe one of the core curriculi of life is RELATE TO YOURSELF LIKE YOU ARE A MYSTERY and according to my assessment, you are more than 1/2 there. . . if i were you, i’d be acknowleding myself! you are a success! my own path has led me to a very good understanding of my own ptsd, which is extremely helpful for me when i’m in situations where i just want to scream my head off (often). i’m reading a good little book and it references “blue moments” in life, “‘Listen carefully to me,’ she continued. ‘This is a blue moment. I really believe it. We will never forget it. At this moment you are I are closer to each other than to any other human beings. Seize this moment. Hold it. Don’t turn from it. It will pass and we will be as we were. But this is a blue moment, and the blue momentss tring together like pearls to make up your life. It is up to you to find them. It is up to you to make them. It is up to you to bring them alive in others.'” from Smaill Graces by Kent Nerburn – The Quiet Gifts of Everyday LIfe –

    my wish for you kim is peace.
    irene

  3. Hi Kim,

    I found my way here from Havi’s blog. And um… don’t think I’m some weirdo (and sadly I’m not a nutritionist), but it sounds like you might have an iodine deficiency. Iodine deficiency causes the same symptoms as depression + weight gain and hair loss and is apparently very common in women. If you already have depression maybe it could make it worse? So, umm, good luck on finding a nutritionist like your VPA said.

    Also, good luck from another avoiding writer 🙂

    • kim

      Melissa,

      Thanks so much for your encouragement and the tip re: iodine deficiency. I researched the shit out of it and became convinced that I’m probably suffering from it + anemia. I started taking some supplements (which, of course, I had purchased but not taken…) that have lots of stuff, including iron and iodine. It’s been 2 days now and physically I’m feeling sooooooooo much better. The depression is still here, but I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of death by exhaustion any longer. Yay.

      kim

  4. Pingback: He was 45. He only wanted to feel better. « Hopeworks Community

  5. T

    You are all that I am…
    Thank you for sharing your words to express how I feel…
    Thank you to Irene for her reply with the quote from Kent Nerburn…
    And thank you for not replying back.

  6. kim

    Thank you so much for writing, T. I didn’t know how to respond to Irene’s comment, so I didn’t…. I looked at your blog (couldn’t figure out how to comment?) and my heart aches for you. I hope the writing helps you, I know it has helped me tremendously. It is also powerful to find other people who know what depression is like and, hopefully, understand what is going on with you.

    Sending you a virtual hug.

    kim

    • T

      Wow, Kim, you are my first virtual hug, and I am trying very hard to not start crying….
      Out of gratitude and everything else that is emotionally messing me up right now, such a state…
      Thank you so very much for looking at my blog and this is much more of a comment than I could have hoped for.
      I’m not sure if the writing really works for me though, it seems to take a lot out of me and quite a lot of my time, when I actually get around to doing it (sometimes making myself), but I just have to try some more, I guess. It just often seems to make my mood worse instead of better… or whatever I expected from it.
      I am glad you are feeling better though and hope you will improve more and more over time!

      Thank you again and be blessed 🙂

      PS. About you wanting to leave a comment: did you click on the comment-counter underneath the post when on the Home page, or did the comment-box not come up on the individual Post page? But please, don’t feel obliged to leave a comment. It is fine, unless you really feel like it. I read a lot of blogs and never comment on anything and very happily lurk, so I understand. Hugs back 🙂

  7. Kim,
    I have been there. In the depths of that hole, where the only thing worse than being there, is the thought of getting out of it and not finding what you think you remember leaving behind. The overwhelming feeling of sad with no reason on explanation and even if we could most people would never get it anyway. I found my way over here from your link on the bloggess. I will be thinking good thoughts for you and feel FREE to write me if you just want to talk to someone who has been there.
    Steff

  8. Just found this blog by flicking through other ones. It’s a topic I’ve dealt with myself and I’ve no real idea what to say but you’re not alone ( I know it doesn’t help)

  9. Pam

    found this by accident…and can only say…
    WOW do I understand.
    Hope you find a way out……cause it sure is the pits.

  10. her partner

    Kim…. Thank you for posting this. It gives me better insight and compassion for people in my life with depression.

    (PS: I got here via your comment on The Bloggess.)

  11. Lucretia

    I’m also here by random chance – I don’t even remember how I got here (it could’ve been the Bloggess, or it could’ve been somewhere else) but I kept the tab open to read later.
    The worst part about clinical depression is that it really does just come out of nowhere and it doesn’t really go back to wherever it came from without a lot of work on our parts and “a lot of work” is exactly what we avoid when we are depressed. Sort of a self-perpetuating situation.
    Thank you for writing so candidly. I felt every moment of it.

    You’ll definitely wonder if you should’ve written this some day down the line – here’s my “yes, you absolutely had to” – somewhere in this vast cyber universe, someone who will maybe never comment here will find this – read it – and get help. What an awesome legacy for it.

    Hope it’s less greu today. (((hug)))

  12. Pingback: My Depression has a first name…. it’s O-S-C-A-R. | avoiding my Brilliant Writing Career

  13. Laurie AE

    Took the words right out of my mind!

    This is precisely what depression is like. So sorry you have to wrestle with this despair … surviving it isn’t easy, God only knows.

    The only way we lose if it we give up the fight. Keep fighting!

  14. Rhiannon

    Hey
    I think we might be the same person.
    From the two blogs i’ve read we are the same.
    I feel the whole time like im lost and sick.
    Are you real or just my mind playing tricks?

    Rhiannon.

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