Mom Wants To Know Why Oprah Isn’t On Today. I’m Not Kidding.

Not everything I write about my artistic genius mother (with fabulous hair) is “true” — I mean, it’s usually the truth as I see it, but sometimes I exaggerate for effect.

This is not one of those times.

Actual conversation:

Mom:  (kind of yelling from her bedroom which is just down the hall from my bedroom)  “Isn’t it 4:00?”

Me:  (yelling back from my room, where she knows I’m trying to write)  “Yes?”

Mom:  (a hint of panic/annoyance in her voice)  “I can’t find Oprah…”

Me:  (I can hear her flipping channels and I’m dumbfounded)  “Ummmm, Mom, Oprah isn’t on anymore.  It’s over.”

Mom:  (pause)  “What?!  What do you mean it’s over?  It’s 4:00….”

Me:  (annoyed/amused/dumbfounded)  “Mom.  The Oprah Show is not on any longer.  Remember?  She quit.  Farewell season?  Big finale?”

Mom:  (annoyed right back at me because she knows for a fact that I’m going to tease her about this and probably tell other people about it…)  “Well.  I guess I remember hearing something about it, but I didn’t know it already happened – that was quick.”

Me:  (still annoyed)  “Yes, Mom.  It happened last month.  And she announced it like a year ago, so it wasn’t quick…”

Mom:  (righteous indignation)  “It wasn’t a year ago, Kim…. And now what?  They are just going to show the news at 4:00 and 5:00?  Two hours of news?  That is what they came up with to replace Oprah?”

Me:  (I  really want this conversation to be over…)  “Mom!  I don’t know!  I’m not in charge of programming!”

Mom:  (still not satisfied with the information I’ve provided….)  “Well, where is Oprah now?  Doesn’t she have a network?!  Isn’t the show on the network?”

Me:  (I’m done….)  “Mom!  I don’t fucking know where Oprah is.  Are you serious?  STOP YELLING AT ME FROM YOUR ROOM!”


Me:  (incredulous)  “DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF?”


End. Of. Conversation.

Alright, I know I shouldn’t be making fun of my Mom, but seriously? 

 How is it that a person can live in the United States of America and not know that The Oprah Show ended last month? It’s like not knowing that Osama Bin Laden is dead, practically.  I’m starting to question her loyalty to our country….  I mean, the media coverage of the end of  the show has been manic for at least two months.  AND, even if Mom had somehow magically missed the TV and print coverage of the “big event” (and she didn’t, but anyway), you would think that she would have noticed that the cover of the magazine that has been on our coffee table for weeks says, in huge letters, something like “THE OPRAH SHOW IS OVER!!”  if not the actual absence of the show at 4:00 every weekday since May 25, 2011.

I don’t know what to say.  I’m baffled, frankly.  I also categorically deny the assertion that I don’t care about Oprah.  I do.  It seems to me that the person who didn’t notice that The Oprah Show was gone for almost a month is the person whose relationship with Oprah, and, apparently, her loyalty to our country, should be questioned.



1 Comment

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One response to “Mom Wants To Know Why Oprah Isn’t On Today. I’m Not Kidding.

  1. Guyla Tempel

    Once a person has had chemo, its very convenient to reply to anything you’ve forgotten by saying, “Oh, that’s ‘chemo-brain’ again!’ It works every time!

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