Irene Wants Me To Write A Nice Internet Dating Column. But I’m Not Nice.

My friend – let’s call her “Irene” (because that is her name) – is, apparently, trying to find me a job.  Which is sweet, and kind of weird, because I’m not looking for a job.

Yes, it is true. I don’t have a job and am not (really) looking for one.  WTF, you ask?

It’s driving her (and probably other people) crazy, but mostly her.  I don’t think she can even conceive of what it would be like to not be completely busy/frantic 100% of the time.  Irene usually has at least 2 jobs, and sometimes more.  And, no, they aren’t little side jobs.  She is a full-time professional legal assistant in a busy litigation practice and she does some retail-ish management thing on the weekends.  And usually something else.  And, on top of that full use of her time, she is practically raising her two young step-grandchildren.

I can’t believe she isn’t a Virgo.  She’s like my most Virgo non-Virgo friend.

Anyway.

I don’t know how she finds the time, but she is constantly sending me job postings – either from my ex-employer (who will never, ever hire me again + I don’t want to practice law – but, apparently, she doesn’t believe any of  that) or from Craigslist, etc.  Sometimes she sends me legal jobs, sometimes writing jobs, sometimes sign-twirling jobs, a few erotic services postings (kidding…)(but I wouldn’t be surprised….) but yesterday she sent me a job posting that I think is going to change my life.

Thank you, Irene.

Those “Examiner.com” people are looking for a freelance writer to do a column on internet dating in the Denver area.

Word.

I saw the listing and I was like OH. MY. GOD.  I’m totally the right person for that job.  I mean, who else has ten (10) years of online dating experience and a sense of humor about it??  I’ve read all the books, written dozens of profiles, read a zillion profiles, had more awkward-bordering-on-scary first dates than I can count and numerous encounters with men with questionable mental health. All of that loveliness (and my vast internet researching skills…) means I’m pretty darn good at sniffing out weird shit.  Like, for example,  predicting who is going to ask for a nude picture within the first two emails (they always tip their hands….), who is still married (hard lesson) and who is in a cult (I’m not kidding….).   Plus I can think of three (3) men right now who would probably describe me as their worst online dating experience ever.  Meaning I’ve made a few, teensy mistakes.  And I can tell people about them so they won’t have to make those mistakes themselves, or at least it will give them something to laugh about.

Anyway, I got all excited and went to look at Examiner.com.

(heavy sigh)

B-O-R-I-N-G

They want, like G-rated newspaper articles written in the third person about topics of general interest from a local perspective.

Whatever.

I can do that, but why?  Isn’t the interesting stuff always in the back story?  And how much internet dating stuff is G-rated anyway, really.  If you’ve done it for any length of time and you’re not Jesus, I think you will agree with me that not much is G-rated.

And, frankly, sometimes  “what the fuck?” is the only appropriate question/statement/exclamation, particularly when writing about men (and, of course, women…)  I simply cannot be forced to write without it.

So now I’m thinking that maybe I need to start my own “column” about internet dating (and dating, and sex and relationships and marriage – I’ve got above-average experience in all those areas….oh, and divorce….)  or maybe I could just have it be a “category” on this blog.

Either way, there are some men reading this post who might not be thrilled about this development.  Not to worry boys, I won’t give any identifying information away as I’m dissecting whatever it is that happened between us.  My focus is usually on moi, duh.

But would I need an alias?!?

Maybe!!  The Moratorium is in effect right now, but eventually I’m likely to want sex a relationship.  It doesn’t seem like the chick who blogs about internet dating would be the most popular chick on an internet dating site….

“Dear Sugar…” is already taken – that would’ve been a good one.  And if you haven’t read Sugar’s column, you totally should.  It  is about all sorts of stuff and she is both funny and wise. 

I just want to be funny….  and a little bit helpful. 

Oh man, I’ve always been bored with “Kimberly”, maybe this is my opportunity to pick something over-the-top to call myself!  “Elektra?”  “Cindy Loo Who?”  “Eloise?”  “Undersigned?”

Anyway.  Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Warnings?  Threats?

I think it could be fun.  And certainly more fun than getting a “real” job.

Sorry, Irene!

xoxo

kim

p.s.  don’t worry your pretty little heads, people, i will figure out how to make money without a J-O-B soon.  i think.

p.s.s.  and wouldn’t it be kind of awesome to have ten long years of mostly unsuccessful (however that  is defined….) online dating turn out to have been a GOOD THING?  Because it gave me material for entertainment/education?  it would almost be like i planned it all along.  ha.

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1 Comment

Filed under Things My Son Shouldn't Read, Uncategorized

One response to “Irene Wants Me To Write A Nice Internet Dating Column. But I’m Not Nice.

  1. irene

    i like the column idea on your blog Kim, and i like the name ELEKTRA for you . . .and i feel acknowledged by you. . . & i’m totally for you whatever you be or do, now or in the future. i do what i do probably b/c i have ptsd and probably b/c i have a great fear of being a bag lady and or deep compassion for orphans. . .never wanting to create one. . .and mostly life is a gift and i’m probably going to need a major spiritual intervention after grandpa and i drop the kids off to their parents in texas for the summer – hence i’m practicing reciting the 4th step prayer everyday. life’s good today. its bathtime now. . .and i mostly pray incessantly. . .for health, well-being, guidance, strength and prosperity for every human being, like a buddhist’s tongla (i think that’s what its called. . .or something like that). its sweet of you to write about me kim. . . many blessings.

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