Remember when I posted about my newfound peace — “it’s all good” and “everything is part of everything else” — ummm, yesterday?
Today Me is having a laugh at Yesterday Me, “Aren’t you precious! I love when you think you have things figured out, silly girl. Don’t you know by now that as soon as you think you have things figured out it’s like an invitation for something to come along and challenge what you think is true?”
Even though Yesterday Me was completely sincere about all that good stuff and the “survive!” thing when she wrote it, things changed. As she was driving home from the Dreaded Hospital late last night she had a little, nagging, tingling less-than-positive-thought, which has now ballooned into a full-fledged Resentment. The kind of Resentment that suggests that things are not, in fact, all good.
Now, instead of doing the stuff I planned to do this morning, I am compelled to deal with this Resentment right fucking now.
Me: (in a “Hello Newman” kind of way…) “Hello Resentment”
Resentment: (really bitchy tone) “Oh joy, she finally noticed me….”
Me: “Don’t push me. I am beyond unhappy about your existence. I don’t have time or energy for you, what is this about?”
Resentment: “Interesting…you are going to pretend that you don’t know what this is about because you’re ashamed of me. I’ve been festering for quite a while, I’m surprised that you even have the guts to talk to me at this point.”
Me: “You are right, I am ashamed of you. And I’m afraid to even look at you, much less talk to you. Probably because you relate to my Mother and my Son and my Son’s dad (Ex #1) + Guilt — I can’t imagine a more emotional combination of things. My heart is beating really fast right now.”
Resentment: “I’m not going anywhere if you can’t even say what I am out loud.”
Me: “Fine. [deep breath] I resent the fact that my Mom seems to have these spectacular medical crises when I am supposed to have time with my Son. I know it isn’t her fault, she doesn’t have control over these things, but it is really bothering me. I don’t have a lot of time with him and when I cancel on him to take care of my Mother, Ex #1 has a field day: “What kind of parent are you to choose your Mother over your Son.” and other variations on that theme. Then, even worse, my Son echoes the same sentiment. That is like an arrow to my heart.”
Resentment: “Yes, this has happened over and over and now you just missed having Spring Break with him, which was probably the very last chance you had to spend meaningful time with him before he goes off to college. And he is getting ready to graduate in a matter of weeks but all plans are up in the air because of your Mom’s illness. So, you’ve missed precious time with him to care for your Mom and now she is probably going to die soon and your Son will be away at college and you will never be able to be “home” for him again.”
Me: “STOP! This feels horrible. I am so sad. I’m sad about Mom, I’m sad about my Son. I’m pissed at the world. How can this be “all good”? It feels all bad. I feel like a shitty mother and a shitty daughter. It is a no-win situation.”
Resentment: “Damn I’m good. Not only do you have me, you feel horrible about having me and are generally miserable. My work here is complete.”
Me: “You suck. Plus I am not even sure that what you say is true. I mean, there might be another way to look at this that isn’t so fucking doom and gloom awful. You are making me physically ill – my stomach is in knots. You need to go.”
Resentment: “Whatever. I’m still here…”
Me: “Damn you and your tenacious spirit!”
THE END (for right now)
AAARRRRGGGHHHHH! I don’t want to feel this! I don’t want this to even be a thing! And you know that as soon as I deal with this Resentment, others are going to be all “What about us, smart girl?”
I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Maybe I should put my profile back up on Match.com….
The Moratorium is safe… right this very minute…