calling all angels.

 

The Truth for Me

I’m not at all sure that I believe in Angels.  Or in magical force fields.  Or in healing white light.  But I believe in something bigger than me.  Bigger than us.  Extremely big.  And benevolent.

Which is good.  Because I really, really need some help right now.

Are you there? 

Me:  My heart is breaking.  Are you there?

Angels:  Of course we are here, beloved.  Talk to us.

Me:  Mom’s ovarian cancer is not only sucky, it is sneaky and it moves.  Now it is in her brain. And this fancy-schmancy “NEUROSURGEON” with shitty bedside manners is planning to, ummm, cut it out, like, tomorrow.   

I’m scared.  And sad.

Angels:  We know.  We see you try to be so brave, and make it ok and less awful for everyone, but we can also see that you are really scared. And really sad.  It’s good that you are able to acknowledge how scared and how sad you are.  Tell us more.

Me:  I am scared for her.  I don’t want her to be scared.  I don’t want her to be in pain.  I also don’t want her to give up.  And I’m scared for Austin.  He loves her so much, she is his bubba.  She is everything I couldn’t be for him when he was little — his “of course we can have the best-ice-cream-in-the-whole-wide-world for breakfast, lunch AND dinner!friend, his “I am your special-someone-who-never-says-no!” person and his “let’s-have-a-movie-marathon-day right  after we pick up interesting rocks!” buddy.  And that was just the early years…  He is too young to feel this kind of fear and pain and sad. 

Angels:  That is a lot of scared.  And a lot of sad.  Is that all?

Me:  No.  There is more.  I’m sad for other people too.  Plus me. 

Angels:  You, of course.  Can you talk about it?

Me:  Yes.  I’m scared that I feel so out of control.  I’m sad that I can’t fix things.  I’m afraid that I’m a disappointment.  I’m afraid I’m not brave enough for all this.  I’m afraid that this is the beginning of the things-will-only-get-worse-from-here times.  I want to be peaceful and spiritual and, centered and, instead, I’m scared and sad and angry and all over the place. Then, on top of (or underneath) the “I’M NOT READY FOR THIS”-ness is also the small, but insistent “it is just a matter of time until this cancer nightmare  happens to me and then what?” voice of abject terror.  And I think I totally suck for even having time to form that selfish thought.

Angels:  It must be hard to be so terribly sad and scared, and then even more hard to have to defend yourself against all of that nastyness and judgment.  Do you know that it is only you who has created that stuff?

Me:  It sounds like something I would do.

Angels:  Oh, honey, you totally made that shit up.  Only you can let it go.  Then you will be free to sit with your scared and your sad and be loving to all of it.  Can you let it go?

Me:  I will think about it.  Maybe I will try it.  In the meantime, can you please watch out for her highest good?  

Angels:  Of course.  She is loved.  The Universe conspires on her behalf!

Belief?

Me:  Ummm, you do know, don’t you, that I’m not really sure that I even believe in you…

Angels:  Yes.  We also know that you think that might be a dealbreaker for us.

Me:  The thought did cross my mind…

Angels:  It’s not, sweet pea.  We believe enough for everyone, especially you.

A-fucking-Men!

Please keep my creative, brilliant, genius mother with fabulous hair in your thoughts and prayers.

xoxo

kim

p.s.  oh man, i know this is a super-rough rough draft.  i’ve been awake for 30+ hours straight.  i came home to take a nap.  instead i wrote.  i feel really vulnerable.  please allow me this space to share my process.  i know my way is probably not the same as your way.  i also know it’s all good.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “calling all angels.

  1. Kim,
    I love your process!! It sounds a lot like my own! Not sure if that’s good for me or bad for you. lol
    But it sounds like you already had all your answers….you just had to write it out. Surprise, surprise that writing can be so cathartic. I will most definitely send some prayers/thoughts/love/whatever out into the universe for your mama. Good luck tomorrow. I’m sure your angels will be ther ewatching over you!

    xoxo
    Amber

  2. Amazing way to process this difficult news, Kim. The angels are with us all, even when we doubt them. Love you 🙂

  3. Claire P

    Oh Kim… Cancer sucks so bad….
    love light to your mama, and your son, and all your yous, and everyone else too.
    Be.Here.Now.
    xoxo Cx

  4. Irene

    Kim: I AM HERE FOR YOU (and of course the angels are too – you’re channeling them! its your WILLINGNESS to believe in them that draws them to you). You are in a POWERFUL place. One moment at a time and you will feel them as well as the energy of the universe that conspires for your happiness. Kim, when things fall apart in my world i go to one of my most beloved authors, Pema Chodron, an american buddhist nun. In her book, “When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times” she writes: “If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. This is the first step on the path.” I am praying for your “I-am-a-special-person-who-never-says-no” mother, and for you and for austin and for everyone who suffers (as you’re friend above writes). And I will pray with you now, from another of my beloved lecturers and authors marianne williamson, “Dear God, I give to you this night. Post angels round my home, my bed, my children, my loves, and everyone. Send angels through the world tonight, to heal the sick and awaken the dead.” and “Dear God, please bless my mother.” and “Dear God, May all the tears I cry, and all the tears I have not cried but hold within, pour forth into Your hands. Please take each painful thought and unhealed wound, and send Your angels here to me. I long for peace. Amen.” I’ll stay in touch!
    love, always,
    irene

  5. hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

  6. kim

    Oh man, now I am realizing that YOU GUYS ARE MY ANGELS 🙂

    Thank you so much for the words and thoughts and super-good hugs.

    I am reminded that I love the internet for bringing new friends and new ways to connect.

    love love love,

    kim

  7. Sue T

    Kim, I really relate to all the conflicting feelings, still have them even though mom’s been gone for 18 months.
    I’m joining all your angels in praying for blessings (including confidence) for your Mom, all her medical support people, you, your kids and everyone else who loves your Mom.

  8. Irene

    How is your mother and how are YOU?
    love you,
    irene
    still praying for all of you. . .

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