I guess I’ll just say this: I’m pretty sure I figured out what my thing is.
I know. Crazy.
All that thinking about other things and flailing about (literally and figuratively) and wringing-hands and list-making and going to Portland, and coming back from Portland, and reading, reading, reading actually worked.
I know what my thing is and I know I can do it to support myself right away, which is good, since my checking account appears to be bulimic.
And I’m scared.
Not because I don’t think I can do the thing, but because something inside me (probably Kimberly-related) is insisting that I need permission to do my thing.
Yup. Permission. Let’s listen in:
Kim: (super excited, maybe fist-pumping…) “This is IT! This is the thing! It was right there all the time. I can’t wait to get started…”
kimmy: (lounging on the purple velvet chaise, servant boy painting her toenails) “YAY! We probably need some new clothes if we’re going to do this thing, don’t you think? Happy clothes! Colored bras!”
Kim: (taking notes with purple marker + glitter) “I’m not sure about clothes, kimmy, but we do need to invest some money in the website and in some training and think about copyright stuff….”
Kimberly: (from behind big black ugly desk and wearing sensible shoes) “It almost sounds like you’re serious about this little thing you’ve come up with. (heavy sigh) You do know this will never work, right?”
Kim: (stretching her legs out and resting her feet on Kimberly’s desk) “Here we go again…. let me guess….this won’t work because we suck and never do anything right?”
Kimberly: (trying to ignore Kim’s feet) “Oh don’t be so dramatic. I’ve never said that. Well, not exactly that. It won’t work for the following reasons (A) we don’t have permission from anyone to do it — a person HAS to have permission before doing anything, (B) we don’t even really know if we will be good at it, why would we even start to try something unless we already knew we were good at it? and (C) even if we are good at it, how are we going to find anyone who wants to pay us for doing it? Have you noticed the economy?”
kimmy (pouting) “Great. We are stuck with white bras forever…”
Kim: (undeterred) “It is that kind of thinking that got us into law school and practicing law for 18+ years. I’m not going to say it was all bad, we met great people and did some good things, but mostly it sucked. Why? Because we didn’t have any passion for it! It was work that took over our whole life and made us feel like a stranger to ourselves. Remember? It doesn’t really matter that we don’t know for a fact that we will be great at this thing. We love it! We are more likely to be great at something we love. That is a fact. Plus we have done it before – we just didn’t call it the same thing. And we were good. And we felt energized and sparkly and awesome.”
(moves to sit on the desk, really pissing Kimberly Ann off)
“I can’t even count the number of things we haven’t done just because we didn’t know ahead of time we were going to be good at it. It’s ridiculous. No more. And yes, the economy sucks. But that just means that there are probably more people than ever who really need us to do our thing. The right people — our right people — will pay if they think our thing can help them. We need to make sure we can help and make sure we find our right people. I know we can do it. The only person we need permission from is right here. We’ve done the research and know that we don’t have to have a degree or a certification or sanction from GOD in order to do this. Plus, we could decide that we want to get a certification later – people do that all the time. You do NOT have to get it before you start doing your thing.”
kimmy: (sitting up excitedly) “And, for your information, GOD thinks this plan totally rocks and agrees with me that no creative, smart, successful woman should be limited to wearing only white bras, duh.”
Kimberly: (head in hands) “What is up with her? Don’t we own at least one non-white bra?”
Kim: (smiling) “We do. I’m not sure what this anti-white bra position is even about. Could be Moratorium related.”
Kimberly: (somewhat defeated) “I can’t believe I’m saying this, because it is soooooooooo not like me. But… I will think about it. I still think we need permission from someone to do this thing. I mean, it’s really not even all our ideas– other people had the ideas and we are talking about putting them together to do our thing, is that even legal? And what will Mom think? And Everyone Else… Ex-husband No. 1, for example, will have a field day raging at us about doing this new thing instead of practicing law. Not that it matters. It just sucks… and Awesome Son may be exposed to it. Anyway. All I can say is that I’m thinking. Can we just not make a big announcement about this right now?”
Kim: (ecstatic, hugs Kimberly) “Oh, honey I know you are scared and that you just don’t want us to get hurt. I’m sorry about that. Thank you for thinking about it! Let’s try to figure out a way to make this thing work so that you feel safe and we all feel good about it. We don’t have to tell anyone the specifics right now, but I do think we need to move forward. Being stuck is no good. Let’s get all the info together so when we do talk about it out loud we feel good….and safe….and ok even if someone gets all judgy.”
kimmy: (gets in the middle of the group hug, toenails dry) “Woo to the Hoo, we have a THING bitches!”
Kimberly: “She needs to stop with the Kardashian-isms or Jersey Shore-isms or whatever the fuck she is doing and she needs to stop NOW….”
Kim: (just smiles) “It’s kind of cute…”
So, I have a thing.
I will also
probably have many many more issues about this thing that have to be addressed, discussed, argued about in my head and out loud. But still! Yay for my thing!!
Have a great weekend!
p.s. oh, and if you’re thinking “but i thought her thing was writing?” — you’re right! my thing totally includes writing, but allows me to have money for things like food between now and when my novel becomes a best-seller. win/win.