Yet Another Scary Peek Into My Brain.

I’ve got a lot of stuff swimming around my brain these days.  There are some Important and Relevent things like, for example, figuring out how to make some money and figuring out what to “do” with my life (next).  Then there are the arguably less important and relevent things, primarily related to the End of the World.

Let’s discuss….

In the middle of the crisis at the nuclear plants in Japan (which isn’t over, I guess) last week, I decided to read “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy.  An uplifting story about a father and son scratching out a miserable post-nuclear-annihilation life.  I’m not even going to pretend to do any kind of fancy book-review thing here, I’m not exploring literary themes, I’m just sharing my thoughts.  Which I can totally do.  Because, it’s my blog.

Anyway.  The book is really interesting and raised all sorts of questions in my mind.  The obvious one being “could I survive after my part of the earth is destroyed by nuclear war?” (Note:  the author never explains what happened beyond some references to the Russians and likely targets in the U.S., but there’s ash everywhere and no sun and everything is dead — sounds like “nuclear winter” to moi…)  The obvious answer is “NO”.  I have absolutely no survival skills.  I mean, I could maybe survive for a little bit if I had some canned food and a can opener and some bottled water and Advil.  But really?  No.

Not much else to say about that.

Other, less obvious questions that are driving me crazy include big questions about “GOD”.  What would I conclude about him/her/it if pretty much everyone was dead and/or dying and I was alive, but starving and miserable and lonely and hiding from cannibals/zombies?  Would I conclude that the Rapture or Day of Reckoning (are those the same things?) had come and I, ummm, didn’t make the cut? (just like cheerleading try-outs in 6th grade…thanks God)  Would I be all noble and think “Good point, GOD, I deserve this.  My bad.” or would I be all “you suck, GOD, you really are just as mean and wrathful as people said you would be.” or would I conclude that there just isn’t any “GOD” or Universal Intelligence. Or maybe no to “GOD” but yes to “Universal Intelligence”?*

All of this leads me to consider what I think about “GOD” today?  Do I need to wait for something super big and awful to happen to put my thinking cap on and figure out where I stand?  Just throwing that out on the table — don’t panic — I have absolutely no intention of figuring this out right now.  In public.

Other End-of-the-World-ish things I’m thinking about instead of figuring out my actual life:  Sex (So many questions…including whether the Moratorium survives nuclear holocaust?); Rules (What would they be?  Who would make them?  Would I follow someone else’s rules again?); Chocolate (Never having chocolate again seems overly harsh, must stockpile);  Unibrows (Save the tweezers!); Dreadlocks (Must figure out how these work before end of world); Humor (Would nuclear annihilation jokes be politically correct or no?); Seasonal Affective Disorder (No sun + no meds + destruction of the world = major depression); Kids (There goes the old “don’t whine about your life…when I was a kid [insert horrible thing, like “we had no TV on Thursdays!”] argument, because, frankly, their lives would totally suck + “hey, sorry about the planet, life used to be fucking awesome, you should’ve seen it!”); Standardized Testing (Has it ever meant anything, really?); Political Parties (All people: “hmmm, we totally just made that shit up…seems kinda dumb now, doesn’t it?”); Fighting (What would there be to fight about?  Maybe food.  Probably food/water.  But beyond that, would we start to make shit up to fight about again? Even after we destroyed our world?)

Oh goody.  This fun thought just came to me.  What if we have done this before?  Destroyed the earth/humanity because we made up shit to fight about.  What if this is humanity’s second chance?  What if this is our 8th chance?  Our 122nd chance?  How embarrassing for us.  Destroy the earth/humanity, miraculously recover, repopulate the earth, become “civilized”, start hoarding things and fighting over them, and then — ooops, there goes humanity, again!**

I’m exhausted.

Two things you need to know before you start getting all “uuuhhhh, hey dummy Kim…what about [important thing]” — (a) I had no idea I was going to write about this today (or ever) so (b) I realize that I’ve only scratched the surface of a huge number of issues that bear further examination with my little sight-seeing trip inside my brain.

Maybe I just wanted you to know that sometimes I think about fairly deep stuff when I’m avoiding thinking about other, more important deep stuff.  Did you ever think of that, smarty pants?

xoxo

kim

*  and what if some other person came along and was like “hey, i can totally save your soul….”  then what?  or, OMG, what if some joe came along and was like “hey, i’m the devil, welcome to hell…”

**  i thought i was quoting Eminem with my “oops, there goes” humanity line, but i totally screwed it up, he says “SNAP back to reality, OH there goes gravity..”, fyi.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Yet Another Scary Peek Into My Brain.

  1. Carol Mangold

    Hi Kim,
    Remember me from your writing class? Enjoying your blog. I attended the 2 day Northern Colorado Writer’s Conference in Ft. Collins a couple of weeks ago and learned much, but didn’t produce anything. I just realized that I’m not only blocked from writing, but also blocked from anything creative including my art (painting – sketching) and little sewing projects for children. Since retiring, I have too much unstructured time on my hands and can’t focus on anything it seems. May be I need to go to Portland. How is your mother doing? Carol

    • kim

      Oh my goodness, hello Carol! I was just looking back through some posts and noticed that I didn’t respond to your note! I’m so sorry.

      Are you still feeling blocked? Have you read “The War of Art” by that Pressfield guy? It’s all about resistance/walls to creativity. I really enjoyed it and I think it gave me some strategies to use to get around stuckness.

      The other thing I sometimes do is a repeating question, like, “what part of me doesn’t want to write” or “what doesn’t want to be written” – anyway, you just keep asking yourself that question and writing down (or remembering) your answers – keep asking and keep asking even if you say “i have no idea” 15 times, you will probably come up with some stuff you didn’t even realize was there on try 16, or 24…. don’t judge, just observe what comes up. Acknowledging what is there often allows it to move.

      Best of luck!
      kim

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