oh, hey portland, it’s me and my fucking baggage

You know that saying “wherever you go, there you are….” ?  I don’t think I fully understood what that meant until now.

Here I am in Portland (Oregon).  And, well, here I am.

I’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks.  I used it to avoid thinking about “what I’m gonna do next” because I just knew that, once I got to this workshop, it would magically come to me and everything would flow and people would be amazed at how fucking brilliant I am and how peaceful and oh-so-self-assured.  NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED.

I’m still me.  I’m still confused.  I’m still trying to avoid the hard work of actually working through the shit that won’t let me do the thing that I’m supposed to be doing.  The monsters aren’t getting smaller and weaker, they are having a FIELD DAY.  

Tuesday Kim:  “Wow!  I think I know what my thing is, and maybe how to start doing it!  Yay me!” 

Fear Monster:  “How precious, she thinks she figured something out today, I can’t wait to destroy her enthusiasm tonight.”

Wednesday morning Kim:  “Oh, I almost forgot that I suck.  Good thing that fear monster is right here with me to remind me not only of how much I suck in general, but of how much I specifically suck for spending money to get to Portland, to stay in Portland, to pay for the workshop + food and getting nothing out of it.”  AND “That fear monster is so good that I’m not even at the workshop right now.  I’m in my hotel room, in bed, thinking about how much I suck for letting my fear monster get to me like this.”

It’s true.  This is how fucked up I am.  My life didn’t change immediately upon entering the workshop and I didn’t feel all “ra-ra” about it and I didn’t immediately find people that I just love and want to hang with all the time.  Oh, and the “teacher” (I put that in quotes because I don’t think she would ever call herself a teacher, but I can’t think of a better word except “Pirate Queen” but then you guys will start asking me about that and it’s a long story…) doesn’t just love me either.  There is a huge awkwardness there.  Probably because she has to protect herself from people like me, who want her to make my life better while simultaneously sucking the life out of her…. or because I’m basically unloveable.  It’s a toss up.

I sometimes make fun of people (in my head) who want things to be easy.  Mostly it’s been with the people I worked with in the child welfare law arena. 

 Them: “This is bullshit! I have to fill out all these papers just to get [food, health care, child care] and you want me to go to the office to turn them in?  That is so unfair!  I don’t have that kind of time!” 

Me (in my head): “So, yes, you “have to” fill out some papers in order to get free [food, health care, child care], the other alternative, that some of us think is super unfair and sucky is to get a JOB.  Turns out that when you decide to bring a child into the world, you are kind of obligated to, at the very least, keep it alive, and that usually involves some sort of nourishment and shelter.  And yes, you have to go to the office once every few months in order to keep the benefits rolling, which I know cuts into your time, kind of like my JOB cuts into mine.”

I think I should apply the same logic to myself: 

Me:  “This is bullshit!  I paid all this money to get here and I spent one whole day working on my stuff and I didn’t even figure it out?  And I’m not having the best time of my life?  I quit!”

Me:  “Oh you poor, poor dear.  Everything isn’t perfect?!  It’s not easier just because you are in Portland and working with Havi?  And it’s been a WHOLE DAY?!  I think you should demand a refund…..”

Me:  “Wow, I sound like a spoiled brat/idiot.”

Me:  “Exactly.  Get in the shower and get over to the workshop asap and, for the love of God, stop whining.”

Me:  “AAARRRGGHHH!  Alright, but I’m not fucking “la-la-la” happy about all this.”

Me:  “Get over yourself.”

So.  I guess I will get in the stupid shower and put on my stupid “workshop clothes” and take the stupid taxi and hope I don’t look like a complete ass walking in two hours late.  Maybe I will even actually work on getting through my shit today, instead of expecting it to magically dissolve.  Stay tuned.

xoxo

kim

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “oh, hey portland, it’s me and my fucking baggage

  1. Sue T

    Kim: Hugs hugs!
    Note to Kim’s Fear Monster: Please cut Kim some slack, I’ll bet she is doing this event partly to help you. See what happens the rest of the week!

  2. Irene

    Kimmers – one thing about your blog is that i know how to keep track of you! Coaching? Human beings give so much power to each of their own fear monsters – s/he’s complaint(s), a mousey insecure voice. I’ve got them too, I even throw in a little anxiety – mix it all up. Each of us get stopped & engaged by our complaints – just keep breaking through – like you’re doing! Each of us have to learn to be way more compassionate w/ourselves. . .and each of us are at choice and decide whether or not we will give up our complaint(s), or just observe them when they come up and ask them to go away, or let them pass,”monkey mind” . . . and just be who/what each one of us say we are committed to?! It’s a choice~ So easy its hard – could be different levels of attachment to each of our own respective complaints because we get something out of complaining! We get to be bad and wrong and see what else is available! Maybe its just venting. . . Love you’re blogs Kim! How was Havi’s class? Hope to hear MORE about it! And I love Portland! My mom was just evacuated b/c she lives in Southern Oregon due to the Tsunami. She”s fine – she asks about you all the time. Love you, irene

  3. dont know if its kosher for me to comment – but what the hell. HUGS. and totally missed you there this morning.

  4. Claire P

    And dude, you totally need to dig around in the archives more! There’s always something PERFECT….

    http://www.fluentself.com/blog/stuckification/the-clan-of-the-outsiders/

    Love, Cx

    • kim

      Claire! and !!!

      You are ninja-perceptive…. I just read the “clan of the outsiders” post and, of course, I could totally relate. You totally picked up on what I don’t think I was willing to admit in my blog post — I felt like a total outsider! 4 of the people at the Rally! had been to at least one Rally! previously…. the awesome photographer lady had worked with Havi before and done some shiva nata and I don’t know what the cute theater student’s deal was, but she lived/went to school in Portland so it didn’t seem like she was an outsider like me. Hmmmm. More to think about.

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