Did you read my last blog post, “killing Kimberly (2.0)“? You might want to do that before diving into this mess with me. Suffice it to say that Kimberly is the voice of all things judgmental and sucky and negative and fucked-up in my head. The part of me that wants to base all major decisions (and most minor ones) on FEAR. The part of me that disapproves of everything that is authentically true about me. In short, she is a bitch. I got all spiritual the other day, realized that she sucks and does nothing good and, well, killed her/banned her/resolved to ignore her… It was amazing! There was much rejoicing in the land. For about fifteen (15) minutes. Then she came back from the dead with a vengeance.
How does one express, in writing, a visceral, primal, open mouth, eyes closed, fists clenched, groaning-type scream of frustration? “aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh”…? No, that sounds like a fucking pirate-utterance. Anyway, [insert scream described above]. That is how I felt about Kimberly’s resurrection.
Marie is my amazing, brilliant, where-have-you-been-all-my-life, new-ish friend AND Jin Shin energy worker person. (and no, I’m not a total “woo-woo” chick now…) I’m not going to pretend that I even know what Jin Shin” is — it seems a lot like the cranial-sacral stuff my best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world/seester Sarah used to do, but not exactly. Anyway, here’s the deal — sometimes we humans get S-T-U-C-K, in a ridiculously huge way and a million tiny ways. Being STUCK sucks — it’s no good for the stuck-ee and it’s no good for anyone around the stuck-ee. Moreover, it’s no good for the Universe because when a person is stuck, their sparkly, brilliant stuff is stuck and not contributing to all the crazy, wonderful things going on out there. (ok, I will admit that sounds fairly “woo-woo” BUT think about it — isn’t our life better because some amazing, creative people — Edison, The Wright Bros., Madonna — didn’t stay stuck?) [cuz you know they got stuck at some point…] So the goal of Jin Shin, as I understand it, is to figure out where a person is stuck, energetically, and to assist in getting that energy “flowing” again. All I really know is that Jin Shin works. I’m not sure if it “works” in the abstract, or if it “works” for me (and my Mom)(and other people I know ) because it is Marie who is doing it and, as I mentioned, she is brilliant.
So, I told Marie about writing the “killing Kimberly” post and how good I felt about figuring out that Kimberly totally sucks and being able to silence her and she was, like, “Great Work!” Then I told her about how frustrated and ashamed and STUCK I was feeling because Kimberly had come back so quickly after I announced to the whole world (a/k/a the people who read this blog) that she had been defeated and she was, like, “Great Work!”….. Huh? Noting my confusion, Marie said something wise like “Silly girl, you didn’t really think you were done yet, did you?” and laughed…. a lot. We both laughed. I explained that I know I’m not done (whatever that means….) but I thought I was further along than I, apparently, am — at least with respect to Kimberly AND I explained that, thanks to Kimberly’s resurrection, I was now convinced that I had not only lost all credibility with my peeps because I said she was gone and she clearly wasn’t but that I had lost all ability to write anything interesting and/or coherent and I was afraid that I wouldn’t ever be able to write anything that anyone would want to read again… Marie said, in a nutshell, “it’s great that you noticed Kimberly is back — now go write about that….because your gift is writing about the journey.”
And just like that, everything inside me shifted around and opened up and became unstuck and Kimberly became uncharacteristically quiet.
I know I’m not “unstuck” for good, but I got unstuck enough to realize that Kimberly is never going to disappear, nor should I want her to. All her responsibility and perfectionism does come in handy at times. I need to embrace Kimberly, make peace with her and help her learn how to bring all her gifts to the table without being so mean and afraid of everything.
It’s not going to happen overnight — Kimberly is pretty entrenched in her all-negative, all-the-time, bitchy-ness. But it will happen.
So, there. I’m writing about my journey. Thanks Marie!
p.s. i am fully aware of the fact that Kimberly is not, ummm, a separate person inside my head. just in case you were beginning to wonder…